"The Greatness of Forgiveness"

I can't take and credit for this; it showed up in my daily emails subscribed from Dr Andrew Weil.  Nevertheless, it was worth sharing as a way to remind myself of why forgiveness is important.  Even if it is only forgiving yourself........


Forgiveness is beneficial not only mentally but physically as well. People who forgive tend to be less angry, depressed, stressed-out and anxious, and have lower blood pressure and heart rates than those who hold grudges. If you tend to have a hard time letting go of a grievance, consider that forgiveness does not mean you have to forget an incident, but rather that you can place a limit on how it affects you and your relationships.

You will benefit from the process of forgiveness as much, and perhaps more, as the person with whom you have the disagreement. This holiday season, take a step back and think about who you would like to forgive, and let it happen.

Much love to everyone. 

Really confusing

I'm deep in the middle of a "what the hell" moment, and this might very well be totally TMI for anyone reading, but since I'm going to throw my personal filter out the door here.....

My stress is positively through the roof at this particular intersection of time.  We've had some seriously challenging issues with the step-daughter than led her dad to kick her out of the house, and for her to get rolling down the same roller coaster path of her trying to leave the state (she's under 18) with people who don't know she's under 18.  Total chaos.

This is also the holiday season.  'Tis the season to be overly stressed out, I guess.  I've also been drinking a little more than I do normally, and probably not sleeping well.  Or at all.  This has always been an issue for me however; too many distractions to sleep.  If I give my body the leeway, it will sleep just fine, but I'm an asshole to myself and I decide to watch late-night movies and play solitaire, or knit. 

Also, also; marital strain.  Oy vey.  Those two words are rife with deeper implications.  I've written several-page blogs about them and saved them as drafts for fear of speaking aloud any of my woes. 

This would be the worst time possible to try to conceive a baby.  My body would be a terrible place to try to grow a person right now, which is comforting since we haven't discussed any baby-making in months.  Long months.  This doesn't mean I'm not staying up on tracking my cycles, ovulation and everything else that I'll need to keep track of to make sure that when (ahem *if) we get back to a good enough place to try to conceive, I won't have to work harder than I would anyway.  

This being said, I should be smack dab in the middle of ovulation.  But, surprise for me; I've started a little mini-period instead.  I literally had to look up if this was normal, and guess what causes outside of hormonal issues, PCOS and menopause cause irregular periods?  Stress.

As I've gotten older I've lost the ability to just shrug off problems like they're nothing.  Possibly because the repercussions for failing have such higher stakes than they ever have, and those consequences scare the shit out of me, to the point where I might be too freaked out to sleep well.  It's definitely happened before. 

I bulked up on more Holy Basil, and a friend made a recommendation for Tulsi tea with Gotu Kola, which was kind & appreciated.  I even emailed my doctor with a witty little "wth is going on with my uterus" message. 

So in short; I'm a varitable mess right now.   It's a really disconcerting situation to feel totally out of touch with what your body is doing, which is how I feel right now.  I'm usually very tuned into what is going on with myself, and it feels almost like a betrayal.  I realize that this is really stupid to say, because it's only a perception of my own emotions, and in fact, if anything is going to be considered a "betrayal", it ought to be ME to blame for being an insensitive shit-face and not taking more care of myself.  My body only reacts to what I'm doing, and going through; it's not on auto-pilot and decides randomly to crash itself for no goddamn reason. 

All of this being said;  I'm going to go make myself another cup of tea, and take another Holy Basil.  Later I'm going to take some time at lunch to go take myself for a walk, and get out of my tiny little work-box for a half hour, after that I'm going to take a run at the gym until I'm about to collapse. 

You'd think at 32 years old, and able to care aptly for my children and my family that I would be able to remember to take care of myself.  Apparently I forgot to write myself a note in my calendar, because I can't remember the last time I took any time for myself to do basically any kind of regular activity or effort that would be just for me. 

Time to set up the necessary changes, and make it happen.  Holding my breath isn't going to help.

Allowances

Last night while I was drifting off to sleep, my mind was marinated with a conversation I'd had with my mother about happiness, about protecting my child, and what challenges we were going through in our home during these times.

I am marinating presently on what it really means to be able to let it all go, and go without resentment and fear.  To make changes in my life which are absolutely terrifying and life-altering, while being able to take actual breaths while I'm doing it.

I'm a little scared right now.  To return to the fray was not what I'd thought would happen, but in my heart I realize that it's the only way I'm going to make it out of this ocean of poison.  I've worked so very hard for change, and not seen any fruit borne out of those labors.  How much longer I'll have to continue to labor is a question I already have an idea how to answer; indefinitely. 

The dreams I've made for myself will have to be put on hold; I know that now. I accept that I can wait, even though it's tremendously dissapointing.  I am willing to have this happen, because I will be moving forward. 

Forward, forward, always onward. 

The breaths I take are not just to feel the healing begin in me, they're to remember that this is all just a passing phase, and it will all be over soon, and that I'll be able to find my laughter and smiles when it's all over. 

There are a lot of things I've got on my mind. It feels a lot like I'm lacking in expression though. 

 

It's times like these that music often captured what I wanted to say more than my written or spoken word can, but in a sense, I feel so removed from that particular passion of mine....   It's a lot like being seperated from part of yourself and losing all sense of that it was you lost.

Waning Gibbous

After a great deal of deliberation, I've decided to publish this.

Our hearts are filled with so much sometimes that it's surprising that we can focus on anything else around us.  That focus can carry us for long periods of time through all sorts of obstacles and events, but it can also take us to very unexpected and dark places at the same time.

To a select few, I've had this discussion, and opening these doors in a more obtuse way makes my stomach turn over.  It hasn't been until the last few months, when things have gotten their darkest that I've been facing this subject with more seriousness, but my marriage is in a terrible, awful place. 

Beyond the struggles we are going to face to have a baby together (which I have been the more enthusiastic and interested in educating myself in, while my husband has remained silent, withdrawn and will not participate in unless I insist he be part of), I have discovered an anger in my husband that has reared itself through the trials having to do with his daughter.  As his wife, just watching him communicate with her via text, and observe as they play the roles of father/daughter together, I see him resenting and hating her.  These are his words; that he hates her.  Some of you may or may not know what we've been through together when it comes to her, but I'll spare you the regaling of tales of woe we've had. 

This anger he's got is completely consuming.  To the point where I am sitting next to a man who won't speak to me with more than 1 word, and won't communicate with me, even though we've been apart all day and haven't really had a conversation of more than a few sentences for a whole week.  This is what our week days looks like.  The anger is at everyone, everything, Our weekends have begun to be a complicated dance of him being unwilling to commit to any kinds of plans with the 3 of us (his daughter will bow out for work, her boyfriend, or to be with her friends. This is a 99.9% guarantee), so it's up to me to come up with activities for my son and I.  He and I spend most of our time together, and I treasure that time together very, very much.

My husband is so unhappy, and it seems like any solutions as to how to cure it is a complete mystery to him.  I've suggested time for him, time to be with his friends, that he takes bike rides, or go to the gym, or go play basketball, but he won't do it. 

The way our relationship has changed in the last few years, going from best friends to people who don't seem to know each other anymore, and have suffered even more at the hands of spites, disagreements, and judgments, have stalled my machinations of getting pregnant.  It wasn't long ago that in my mind I realized that it was likely that in our marriage I wouldn't see any other children. 

I can't tell you how devastatingly sorry this makes me to admit. 

In my life I've never imagined that I would be part of any great discoveries or processes.  I am not going to be the person who cures cancer, or who solves problems for the world, or builds rockets.  My dreams are so much more mundane and simple in comparison.  Just the love of my family, and the people I love and care for around me.   This was all I ever wanted in my life.  To be surrounded by love. 

I was the youngest by no less than 6, 10 and 16 years.  None of my older siblings had the time to spend with me.  My playmates were stuffed toys and Barbie dolls.  Imaginary friends and the boy across the cul-de-sac a little older than I was who suffered from a severe mental and physical disfigurement.    It wasn't until my adult years when I could finally breathe in the possibility that I could choose to make a family of my own. 

All through my 20's this was what I sought, and it was insanely difficult.  It was riddled with disappointments, devastations, set-backs and a few instances in which I realized these dreams might be founded on nothing more than the imaginary fumes from a child’s imagination.  Naturally when the moment in which I quit trying to find my dreams, they found me, and it was the scariest fucking thing I've ever experienced.   At the same time it was like cutting into the fabric of pure joy.  The hardest kind of work imaginable, but the highest level of reward you can imagine. 

I clung to that high for a very long time, and I suppose I still do.   

There was a great deal of idealizing going on when we got married.  We were drunk on the passion for our interests and plans, and each other that we felt when we got married, but it was almost immediately afterward that I experienced the first of several reveals about his person that made me balk at what I'd done.  Following this we've seen an onslaught of unhappiness all around us. 

I want to choose happiness, I want to choose a life more happily constructed and free from people who cannot simply choose NOT to wallow in hatred and anger for so long that it will poison everyone around them.   I want the person I am sharing my life to celebrate the happiness that we create for ourselves is just that - It is created.   You can choose anything you want for yourself, and to watch my husband be unable to choose something more fullfilling has hurt more than I can say. 

I've questioned so much about our pairing at this point, it's almost as if having a child together would be the absolute worst thing I could do for everyone (especially the baby I'd be having), but it doesn't stop my heart from pleading with me to keep trying to have one.  Ovaries are strange, you see.  Sometimes your hormones don't want to hear about all the problems you have; they just want to be sated.  They don't give a shit if you're having problems:  "Find a way to stick a baby in your womb, lady!" they say.   It's a terrible, awful conflict. 

So there it is, the naked truth.  Scratch the surface and you will positively reel at what can be found underneath. 

Baby it's cold outside!

Delightfully, I am sitting in a divinely warm and woolly sweater.  Peppermint tea in hand, cold weather all around the state, and really festive Christmas groove tunes to listen to while I work. 

 



Today is a beautiful winter wonderland.  It is absolutely harshly cold and makes the things we have to do more arduous than it would be normally.  But that's what makes it beautiful.  Nothing in life should be so repetitive that we never have deviation.  Life is about change, suffering, hardships and challenges that we feel we cannot face.  This is everything we are made to endure and overcome, absolutely.

 

I feel so completely filled with happiness.  I have so much to marvel for in my life, and so many smiles that it brings to my lips.  I cannot begin to name them all, but I feel that my capacity for abundance is just beginning. 

 

 

"What you seek, is seeking you." -Rumi

The moments we forget

Since tomorrow will be one long string of complete mayhem and chaos, I want to give thanks before the fact. 

There's a level of insanity that you don't quite have a full grasp upon before you have children.  Even before they're born, and still snuggling and kicking around deep in your body, you think you're going to have a grasp on what it will be like, but it's just not able to prepare you. 

Through this chaos, probably just another word we can call "life", there are moments when we'd prefer to crawl into our secret hiding place, cover ourselves and just lay still until the storms of chaos blow over us.  Other times, there are moments, even if they're fleeing, that touch and move us so completely, so deeply, that we commit to ourselves during that very moment that they will forever be etched in our minds.  Forever and ever.  Now, sadly, that rarely happens.  Unless you've got the video camera, or the phone camera snapping shot after shot (I don't do this - how do I juggle my arm loads of shit with a camera rolling, exactly?)

That being said; those moments?  The precious ones, the ones that touch your heart and send your mind into utter and complete nirvana, your brain pumping Oxytocin all over you until you can practically feel the hairs raise off your whole body.  These are the things I want to give thanks for.  These shreds of light filled with beauty in my life that fill me with things I NEVER understood were going to be part of life.  

I am so very thankful.  Everyday.  Call it blessed, smiled on, lucky, fortunate.  I will use a million words to describe this if I need to.  No matter where the path of my life and my experiences will every take me, the bliss I feel from being part of this is humbling and stunning.  I will never stop feeling gratitude for it.

Options and waiting.

I think the concept in my mind of how a man might feel when faced with the notion of using another man's sperm to get his wife pregnant might not strike a fellow too well. Generally that primal urge to fornicate and seed anything and everything in sight is still a relevant mind set in most of the male populace, whether discussed or not. The entire psychology aside, this was the beginning of a totally new conversation between us: Using a chosen donor. Someone we know.

This, like every option, carry’s a lot of weight to be considered. First and foremost; locating someone who would be affable to being hit up for semen maybe 1 or 2 times a month. Usually on the fly, too, when I have a surge in temperature and my ovulation predictor is giving us a figurative green light. This is also not going down the list of other aspects such as general weirdness. Not necessarily in the way you might think, but imagine running into this person in say, the grocery? The movies?  Campus? I imagine it would go down with a very fleeting, penetrative stare in which everyone involved would be thinking "yeah, those swimmers were totally in my wife/your wife/me", followed by a seemingly stammering quick glance away. It it completely insane for me to have that scenario?

So for a week or so, hubby verbally strategized how he was going to ask, and who he was going to ask, and how it was all going to go down. During this, the part of me that wanted to pick apart the whole situation to examine all the flaws, and plan out the attack was really questioning whether this was the best plan. I'd been studying how to get one’s self pregnant using sterile syringes and sterile collection cups and the method to position yourself when performing a home insemination. All this DIY process was mapped out in my mind.

Not long after the notion came about, it was quashed when my husband came to the stark realization that the men he would be asking, are ones he sees on a daily basis, and the utter discomfort of the whole act overall was not what he wanted to endure.

So next came the next idea: Ask hubby's brother. Brother enjoys children and lives with his girlfriend, but doesn't want any children of his own. This possibility was nifty on the front that, at the more basic level, it would be a child from the 2 of our gene pools, and not from a complete stranger.

Hubby asked his brother, and since that point, hasn't brought up the scenario again. I'm postulating that this was around 3 months ago. The ensuing silence on the issue leaves me the conclusion that the answer was a "no".

I can't lie; the idea of a known donor scared the shit out of me. Parading a child around who didn't fully look like your husband, but more like his brother just seemed like a bad episode of Maury where at the end there's a shocking DNA test reveal, followed by a lot of face-slapping. Of all these options, the part of it where get got to look over the donors history and physical background was probably the most assuring.

I'd like to step outside of this tirade to explain why the medical history is so important to me. My only child is almost 5 years old, and was conceived with a man, whom for all practical purposes deposited this infant in me purely by the stroke of divine luck. I say this because my child’s biological father had suffered for years prior to me meeting him from a few non-communicable ailments that inevitably lead him to a pulmonary embolism at the age of 36. Our son was not yet 2 years old, and the two had never even met. At 18 months of age, my son developed mild persistent asthma, and has several moderate severe allergies that keep me in just enough paranoia that I have to be at a heightened level of caution that a normal mother would.

If I was given the opportunity to pick and choose when it came to my boy; without any question I wouldn't change whom he was conceived with, and how it all happened. I love him unconditionally, completely and consuming. And more every day.  Period.

That being said; if I can give a child a chance to be born with the ability to remove certain health challenges out of the equation, I would like to do that for them.  No person hoping to have children would ever ask for less than a health child.  If we give our children nothing else in life, I hope it begins with good health, because while I have not experienced what a mother has to go through physically, emotionally and psychologically with a severely ailing child, I have still felt the panic of all-night episodes where my child and I are up every 30 minutes to few hours performing breathing treatments, and standing in hot showers together to get his airways to open up.  Feeling the panic inside while trying to keep an unending ocean of calm around you so your baby won’t feel that same grip of terror. 

Like I said; not even close to the horrors that some mothers have endured, and will in the future.  But for the two of us, we’ve seen hard nights together. 

There is the occastional insane notion, usually somewhere around the day or two before I am ovulating, that some insane and primal part of my brain that is hungry for a baby that takes a hold of my mind and fills me with crazy ideas of how I could bypass all of this bullshit and just go get someone to knock me up.   I'd like to tell you that I often laugh off these passing insanities, but the arguements I seem to concoct are so surprisingly convincing, that sometimes a veil of non-reality seems to go over my eyes where the notion isn't so completely terrible anymore. 

I quickly learned to A) keep it completely quiet that you're having this thought and B) Wait out your hormones for a day or so and you'll be back to your frustrated fertility-challeneged self.  Safe from irreprable relationship damage and 20 years of ongoing drama. 

So I close this today with this little tidbit:  There's always a short cut.  Mistakes aren't always regrets, but it will not mean they won't be frought with pain during the journey you're on.

 

Reminiscing

I needed to hunt down something archived in the depths of my livejournal, and had to review entried in 2008 through 2009, which is the window before/durring/after I was pregnant with my son.  It really brought me back to that time, and how new and amazing the experience of pregnancy was for me.  My son was so polite, even in the womb, and so much like he is now.  I felt so much love reading those entries. 

Though there is all this love surrounding these memories and the words I wrote about the experiences I had in that time of my life, it caused me to reflect on where I am in these moments of my life, and to really feel weight around the experiences I am having right now:  The longing I still feel, pulling at me from inside feels like the longer we wait and put off, the less the idea of another child becomes a biological imperative, but a pragmatic decision.  Some people may know this feeling; the older your child gets, the more you lose that sense of motherly need for an infant. 

This was me in early November of 2008.  I wasn't slated to birth until January 2009.  Beautiful, full, happy, and huge!    Admitedly I spent too much time lazing around and indulging and not enough time watching what I ate, and walking around.  But I was happy.  So very happy.

I wish for this.  I pray for this. I feel waves of desire that fill every inch of me to be able to feel this time in a lifetime one more time.  We might never be able to do it a 3rd time (the 2nd is so arduous and time consuming, I can't even imagine what a 3rd baby would be like - pregnant at 40, perhaps).

I still hope.

Letting Go

There are many things I need to catch up here about our ongoing journey, but instead I'd like to write a little something contextual.  It's something we need in everyday life, and to be near us on our journeys, and it's been a topic which, as fertility-challeneged/differently abled will know, can cause more hurdles to overcome than just that of the fertility. 

You hear this phrase “letting go” a lot in meditation circles. It’s easy to say, and pretty easy to explain as well: don’t cling to the past, don’t get absorbed in plans for the future, don’t let fear, worry or anger get a hold of you in the present.

But try telling someone who is fearful or angry – in this present moment – to “let go” and you may get your ears boxed. And it won’t do anything to help them to let go either.

Actually letting go doesn’t come about by doing anything. Letting go isn’t something you do – it’s more like something that happens, almost by itself.

The conditions have to be right, of course. You must be able to let go – often you must have the courage and openness to accept whatever life has to offer – to not resist what might be unpleasant. And meditative exercises help too, of course: focusing your attention on the here and now creates the discipline of mind to not be carried away by anticipations of the future or memories of the past.
But being fully at ease with whatever is present in your experience is hard. It requires an attitude of welcoming to whatever this moment has to offer – an act of faith in the unknown of the future. But such an attitude cannot be brought about by doing anything. It’s more in the act of non-doing and just witnessing.

This is what meditation is about, really. Stopping. Not doing and just being and being aware. Dwelling in awareness is how this total relaxation can happen. And when you are totally relaxed – at ease with everything – there is no clinging and no grasping. ”Letting go” has happened.

Something different

There are a few new tags that I'm adding in light of the sudden fervor that I've observed in my own writing concerning our path to conception.  I would like to take today to have a meditative but momentary pause in something that brings me peace.

“If you love a flower, don’t pick it up.
Because if you pick it up it dies and it ceases to be what you love.
So if you love a flower, let it be.
Love is not about possession.
Love is about appreciation.”

― Osho

 

 

To resonate

I heard this in a documentary yesterday, and the parallels were just so touching for what we're going through right now.

"It's just this longing to hold your baby.  I sometimes just feel selfish that I can't accept that
we've got one and some people can't even have that.  We're very, very lucky that we have our child,
but it doesn't stop from having this longing."

The last two days have been spent being able to indulge in a few documentaries about various forms of infertility, and a millionaire in the 1970's who endeavored to create a sperm bank with the genetic material of men possessing superior intelligence levels.  The sperm of what the creator called "clever men".

Sign.me.up., I say!  Unfortunately it seems as though this depository no longer exists.  Also, being that the story takes place more than 40 years ago, it's presumed that the materials are additionally no longer available in this same capacity.

Still.....  Several Nobel Laureates had contributed.   I can't lie; the idea of having a near-genius child would be a dream I could only hope and deign to have. 

 

 

A new direction

The subject of fertility is often one people get bored of hearing, or reading, so it's not something I am going to wear across my shoulders lightly.  I didn't conjure the idea of writing down our experiences without realizing that people might find it dull, and monotonous.  Realistically, this is my method of putting one piece of information in line, right after the other.  No expectations, and hopefully less horseshit.

Here's to hoping. 

I knew right from the start that the husband (at the time, he was just "the boyfriend") that we were going to need some proceedure in order to conceive.  Having been in an LTR of his own until November 2010 with a person he DIDN'T want to risk having a child with, he'd had a vasectomy in October 2010. 

So Fast forward until April 2011.  I'm in the middle of a break-up and move-out when I put myself "out there" on a whim.  Queue future-husband (insert trumpeting fanfare), and fast forward again after months of emails, phone calls and countless text messages.  November 2010 is when we had the conversation concerning his physical imparement, and my desire for more seedlings.  Thus, where our journey was borne. 

The following sping, April 2011, I had my IUD removed as it was no longer a needed form of BC, and we wanted my body to get into a place where if we wanted to start preparing to have a child together, the fields would be ready and I wouldn't have to deal with appointments and exams (more than you'd have normally, anyway).  I confess that, with the removal of my IUD, I was SURE that the universe would gracious and lovingly impart some kind of a miracle child in my body, and we could laugh for the rest of our lives that we'd be giggling over the 1/1,000 statistic about how we'd been able to beat the odds and hassles of the hurdles of non-traditional conception.    Har har.

So fast forward some more; July 2013.  Husband and I have jobs we can work for many, many years to come.  Stability, health insurance, retirement and the ability to cross one more important thing we need to cover off our list before really cruising down the baby track.  

The question has always lingered to my husband about where our baby will come from, and as our first option was always to explore a reconnection of his vasectomy.  This was something that proved MORE disconserting than you could possibly imagine.  Only 24 months after this was performed, a highly qualified local Urologist and his team deemed our case at only a 90% chance of success, depending on how motile and healthy husband's sperm were.  This leaves a grizzly 10% chance of failure for us to masticate upon.  On top of that, the surgery cost (without any "unexepected surprises") would start around $7,000.  Payment plans are not accepted, unless they're done in forward (money first, delivery of goods following payment).  No financing, and also no insurance coverage; this is an "elective proceedure".

Getting the vasectomy cost under $1,000.

So knowing that, if we had a surgery to reconnect the tubes and try for a natural child, we'd be looking at a heap of medical costs, an uncomfortably high percentage that it WOULDN'T be successfull (and unlike Wal-Mart, you can't get your money back when it doesn't work correctly!), and no way to pay in comfortable incriments. 

A visit to a busy OB in Loveland helped us to know what "extraction" could do for us!  Extraction involves a physical removal through the testicle wall via syringe and would allow sperm matter to be extracted and delivered into my uterus through a process of IUI, after a washing process.  The OB explained during this meeting that even after a few years of being pent up inside the testes, sperm lost a great deal of their swimming capabilities; in order to make an effective exchange, he wanted to deliver those lazy little tadpoles to one of my pre-retrieved eggs and, upon fertilization, send it back along the canal and into my womb. 

This, my friends, is what is refered to as IVF.  $12k-$20k per deposit.   Holy shitballs!!

All this, and every month my poor lonely uterus dumps another egg and weeps blood, and curses my name.  

This is how we came to the lovely land of "Donated Sperm"!   Ropey jets of flying tadpoles for anyone who wants to have a baby!  Yippie!   Of course, this also has it's cornucopia of pros and cons.  The read a lot like that contract that the children signed in the original make of Charlie and The Chocolate Factory.  If you don't remember that movie, you need to go watch it, and then come back and re-read that paragraph; I promise you won't regret it. 

So with this, we have a litany of flipping proceedures we're going to need to be put through: blood draws to confirm progesterone production (which signals that my body is in fact shooting out tiny little eggs), 2 to 3 boxes of ovulation predictors, and a calendar to write down every single stage of ovulation and menses. 

So, we are armed, organized, terrified, broke, and still crossing our fingers that for some reason, one of those damn testical tubes finds its way to reconnect itself from the urethra to the testicle and shoot some lazy, happy, bumbling little sperm so they can manage to clutz their way into some random egg my uterus left laying around the womb.

I learn every day

"There is no need for temples, no need for complicated philosophies. My brain and my heart are my temples; my philosophy is kindness." - Dalai Lama

Today I'd like to take with me the knowledge that I will carry what I need with me inside my body.  Inherently, I have everything I need, I have only to see it that way, and it will be! 

A whimsical excerpt that I found this morning strck chords of similar feeling that I wanted to share: "Honestly, Buddhism puzzles the hell out of most people in the West. (Actually, it puzzles the hell out of people everywhere, but we’ll stick with the West for today.)" (Charlie Martin, PJ Media)   Something surrounding the beliefs of Buddhism does this very thing to people who are indoctrinated in Western mindset.  This realm of different-mindedness causes fear in the unknown, which I find interesting, because the more I have absorbed from this structure is so very UN-scary. 

Great food for thought and contemplation for today.   My journey moves on!

Be well and thrive!  =)

My daily Buddhism

"It is very good for children to see their parents sit still and be calm. That gives them the idea that maybe they too can do the same. If Mom and Dad are always busy, running around, talking on the phone, stressed out, or collapsed in front of the TV, the kids will also be like this."

I read this today, and am reminded of HOW much our daily lives are like this.  We run around crazily to accomplish everything we need and desire before coming home and sinking into our comfort-place.  What impressions are we giving our children?  What lessons? 

What I've taken from the excerpt is the unspoken levels in which children absorb from their parents, and what actions, emotions and attitudes this will teach them to have themselves. 

Today I've been shown a reflection of myself I've never bothered to look at before, and it is astounding that I see a person who does this very thing.  Not bothering to realize HOW I am teaching my child by example. 

Recipe for fertility!

So on the very first steps (and I must emphasize first here) to preparing for pregnancy, I've been reaching out to the intarweb to collect information about preparing for pregnancy. Although Grey was a surprise, and I didn't prepare as I could have (and having additionally turned out just fine the way things happened), given the option I'd like to make some attempt at being my healthiest when we're ready for baby Thomas #2.

SO for my own edification (and so I don't have to keep bookmarking this site), here are a few herbs that have shown frequently as useful in preparation.  Those that are in blue are the ones I am actively in touch with and have placed in a tea that I drink daily.

Pregnancy Preparation

The main focus when choosing herbs for preconception is to nourish the body, detoxify for hormonal balance/optimal health, support uterine tone, build the blood, and support healthy stress response. Preconception herbs are best used at least 3-6 months prior to conception. Many of these herbs should not be used into pregnancy.
 

• Alfalfa aerial parts (Medicago sativa): Very nutritious, high in vitamins and minerals. Contains some phytoestrogens. Aids in protection against xenohormones. Aids in vaginal atrophy and dryness.


• Ashwagandha root (Withania somnifera): Supports overall endocrine system function for proper hormonal balance, immune system and stress response.


• Burdock root (Arctium lappa): Nourishing and cleansing for the liver, aiding in hormonal balance.


• Dandelion leaf (Taraxacum officinale): Nourishing. Used to increase nutrition, supportive of liver health, for hormonal balance.


• Dandelion root (Taraxacum officinale): Aids in liver health, stimulates digestion for improved hormonal balance.


• Dong Quai root (Angelica sinensis): Aids in hormonal balance. Used for congestive fertility states such as endometriosis, uterine fibroids, PCOS, ovarian cysts. Supports healthy circulation to the uterus, nourishing for the blood. Reduction in pain associated with reproductive organs. Strengthens the uterus by regulating hormonal control, improving uterine tone, and improving the timing of the menstrual cycle. In Asia dong quai is to women’s health as ginseng is to men’s health.


• Eleuthero root and stem bark (Eleutherococcus senticosus): Supports proper endocrine function through its adaptogenic properties. Supports overall hormonal balance, excellent for stress support.


• Evening Primrose Oil cold pressed from seed (Oenothera biennis): Supports overall hormonal balance and cervical mucous production through its high content of the omega-6 essential fatty acids (EFA’s), Linoleic Acid (LA) and Gamma Linolenic Acid (GLA). LA is needed for prostaglandin E and GLA is needed for the synthesis of prostaglandin E. One of the many functions of Prostaglandins is to help control regulation of hormones as well as control proper cell growth. This is because of its high content of the omega-6 essential fatty acids (EFA’s), Linoleic Acid (LA) and Gamma Linolenic Acid (GLA).


• Hibiscus flower petals (Hibiscus sabdariffa): Very high in vitamin C, may support healthy cervical mucous. Vit. C is essential for proper absorption of iron. Best combined with herbs high in iron, Raspberry lf., Yellow dock, Nettles. Supports proper heart health and blood pressure.


• Lemon Balm leaf (Melissa officinalis): Excellent nervous system support. Supports healthy stress response, lessens depression and anxiety. Good emotional health, and stress response is important prior to conception. Not for use for people with hypothyroidism.


• Maca root (Lepidium meyenii): Maca is a nourishing food for the endocrine system, aiding both the pituitary, adrenal, and thyroid glands (all involved in hormonal balance.) Supports overall hormonal balance, works to balance estrogen/progesterone levels.  Maca is the only plant known in the world that can grow and thrive at such a high altitude and in such harsh weather. For more than two millennia, native Peruvians have used maca root as food and medicine to promote fertility, endurance, energy, vitality, and sexual virility.


• Milk Thistle seed (Silybum marianum): Supports hormonal balance. It is one of the best plants for liver health. Liver health is vital for hormonal balance. The liver helps to filter toxins from the body, including excess hormones. 


• Nettles leaf, root, seed (Urtica dioica): Nutritive; high mineral, vitamin and chlorophyll content. Supportive of gentle cleansing of the liver, lungs, intestines and kidneys. Great adrenal support. Supports proper blood formation through its high iron content.


• Oatstraw (stems), Milky Oats (tops) exert a stronger effect than oatstraw, (Avena sativa): Nourishing, aids in stress reduction by supporting nervous system. Great support for stress related fertility issues.


• Red Clover leaves, blossoms (Trifolium pratense): Red Clover is a nourishing food herb. It is rich in a variety of vitamins and minerals. It is one of the best blood purifying herbs, aiding in detoxification of environmental pollutants prior to conception. Phytoestrogenic, may help protect body from xenohormones. May increase cervical mucous. 


• Red Raspberry leaf (Rubus idaeus): Nutritive, high in vitamins and minerals. It is a uterine tonic, preparing the uterus for pregnancy and labor. 


• Schisandra, fruit and seed (Schisandra chinensis): Adaptogen, supports healthy hormonal balance through endocrine system support. Promotes proper immune and stress response.


• Seaweed (variety of species): Extremely high in vitamins and minerals, including iodine, which is necessary for proper thyroid function. High in fiber for improved estrogen metabolism. Learn more here…


• Yellow dock root (Rumex crispus): Stimulates bile production for healthy removal of toxins, supportive of liver health and is high in iron, which may help support adequate iron levels which is essential for proper blood formation.

What the most amazing thing here is that several of these were already hanging around my tea cabinet. The Yellow Dock was harvested from a farm wherein the farmer just shrugged and said "take it, I have no use for it".  It was dried and stored until now. 

The lemon balm was something that came with our home last year (which I believe is a sign!), however at the time I didn't realize what it was and took the larger plant we had growing and tossed it out when I re-did the beds.  Luck for me, this stuff is like Creeping Jennie and it's already shown itself in no less than 8 other places around the yard; so I KNOW it will come back.  I've already been able to collect about a dozen leaves to begin a small stock.

At the Spring Creek Park, Alfalfa grows completely wild and unmanaged.  As it's open space, I'm finding myself to be wary about collecting any of it, not knowing any of the practices used in the area for insect management or plant disease and treatment.  I haven't decided if I will be using this plant from this source.

Dandelion leaf.  This shit is growing so far up my bandwagon, I could just farm it for a living.  My first payload was collected last night and following a thorough washing, it's already laid out for drying to be added to my tea. 

Adult life is a lie.

Today is one of those Mondays where ALL I want to do it knit.  It's times like these that I wish I had some kind of addiction support.  The biggest problem there is that knitting IS my addiction support.   

Poop. 

In other news: Florence and the Machine.  Wow!  Some kind of great blend between Souxsie and the Banshees, and reminiscent of other 80's electros and goth-y greats!   Pandora keeps doling her out like she's going out of style, and I'm not complaining, either!    :D

Seriously, is it time for me to get a 15 minute so I can knit?  I'm about to start chewing my nails. 

Completely out of the blue here, in late commemoration of Father's Day, here is the Bear and I at Cameron Pass (It's 52 degrees out and we're freezing our butts off)

Good times in the mountains.  <3>

Also, we saw a moose: 

Yes, this camera phone lacks a telephoto lense, but that dark smudge is a hearty little juvenile Bull Moose.  Staring blankly and calmly at the crown of passers by in Red Feathers.  This is only the 2nd Moose I've ever seen in Colorado (first was in 2005, Winter Park, and that Moose was nothing short of MASSIVE).

I'm looking forward to seeing more Moose someday.  Hopefully sooner than another 8 years from now.

Technology Darkness

It's slightly unfortunate that my husband and I are in a compromised enough position financially that he agreed to let me shut off the cable. I'd initially made the suggestion as a "30 day technology abstinence" challenge. Sadly, as his daughters MOUNTING mental health medical debt has begun to ramp upward again, we're looking at making hard choices between putting food on our table, or watching Step-Brothers on FX.

I'm not ashamed to write that in October of 2014, when she turnes 18, I will be celebrating the win for us.

So with this technology darkness, I've had to come up with a large cache of projects to focus my attention on. Also; paying our way slowly and painfully out of this hole leaves me with no other options than to start whittling away at my yarn stash.

With that, here is my lovely Dragon Berry Citron:  

At section 5, and row 6 (at 444 stitches) this beauty is basically crammed SO tightly onto my 9" circular, it's difficult to even move as I knit.  I'm sure you're saying "well, why don't you move it up to a longer cable, silly?"  Which, I would, but for the life of me, I can't seem to find any other size 7's in my hoard.  Not a single pair.  I can't imagine why either.  From here it only gets worse, too.  The ruffled edging takes one more kfb series, leaving me with 540 sts on the wire.  It's going to be more crowded than the rectum of a mule moving heroin from Chihuahua to Las Vegas on a PanAm flight.    And with that little visual, I'm going to sign off.    Cheers, and good morning! 

New and improved

This poor blog isn't something I've made the right amount of use of in the last few years, and I aim to change that. 

Recently in reading several pieces of literature about successful and happy people, I discovered many things were coming up again and again, and one of these was "keeping a journal".  Since, like most of the world, not a single person actually writes with a pen/pencil anymore (unless you're unable to get directions from someone via speaker phone while you're plugging them into Google maps....), then we're all online, typing away to our hearts desires.  And let's face it;  the art of penmanship might have went out with the generation of Gilligan's Island.

So with this said; I am going to make this my new journal.  For better or worse, or whatever the hell else.  

This is going to be a short first, so I'll end it with this: 

Estes Park, on my 32nd birthday.  My son.  My sweetheart.  <3 .="">

Oh how time goes quickly.

Seems like just yesterday I was holding a bawling little infant in my arms, waking up every 2-4 hours and enveloped in new-baby bliss and charmingness.  Now, 4.5 years later I'm hugging and talking and having conversations with this big guy!  

Sigh.   <3>