Tuesday, November 5, 2013


I needed to hunt down something archived in the depths of my livejournal, and had to review entried in 2008 through 2009, which is the window before/durring/after I was pregnant with my son.  It really brought me back to that time, and how new and amazing the experience of pregnancy was for me.  My son was so polite, even in the womb, and so much like he is now.  I felt so much love reading those entries. 

Though there is all this love surrounding these memories and the words I wrote about the experiences I had in that time of my life, it caused me to reflect on where I am in these moments of my life, and to really feel weight around the experiences I am having right now:  The longing I still feel, pulling at me from inside feels like the longer we wait and put off, the less the idea of another child becomes a biological imperative, but a pragmatic decision.  Some people may know this feeling; the older your child gets, the more you lose that sense of motherly need for an infant. 

This was me in early November of 2008.  I wasn't slated to birth until January 2009.  Beautiful, full, happy, and huge!    Admitedly I spent too much time lazing around and indulging and not enough time watching what I ate, and walking around.  But I was happy.  So very happy.

I wish for this.  I pray for this. I feel waves of desire that fill every inch of me to be able to feel this time in a lifetime one more time.  We might never be able to do it a 3rd time (the 2nd is so arduous and time consuming, I can't even imagine what a 3rd baby would be like - pregnant at 40, perhaps).

I still hope.

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