Friday, December 20, 2013

"The Greatness of Forgiveness"

I can't take and credit for this; it showed up in my daily emails subscribed from Dr Andrew Weil.  Nevertheless, it was worth sharing as a way to remind myself of why forgiveness is important.  Even if it is only forgiving yourself........

Forgiveness is beneficial not only mentally but physically as well. People who forgive tend to be less angry, depressed, stressed-out and anxious, and have lower blood pressure and heart rates than those who hold grudges. If you tend to have a hard time letting go of a grievance, consider that forgiveness does not mean you have to forget an incident, but rather that you can place a limit on how it affects you and your relationships.

You will benefit from the process of forgiveness as much, and perhaps more, as the person with whom you have the disagreement. This holiday season, take a step back and think about who you would like to forgive, and let it happen.

Much love to everyone. 

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Really confusing

I'm deep in the middle of a "what the hell" moment, and this might very well be totally TMI for anyone reading, but since I'm going to throw my personal filter out the door here.....

My stress is positively through the roof at this particular intersection of time.  We've had some seriously challenging issues with the step-daughter than led her dad to kick her out of the house, and for her to get rolling down the same roller coaster path of her trying to leave the state (she's under 18) with people who don't know she's under 18.  Total chaos.

This is also the holiday season.  'Tis the season to be overly stressed out, I guess.  I've also been drinking a little more than I do normally, and probably not sleeping well.  Or at all.  This has always been an issue for me however; too many distractions to sleep.  If I give my body the leeway, it will sleep just fine, but I'm an asshole to myself and I decide to watch late-night movies and play solitaire, or knit. 

Also, also; marital strain.  Oy vey.  Those two words are rife with deeper implications.  I've written several-page blogs about them and saved them as drafts for fear of speaking aloud any of my woes. 

This would be the worst time possible to try to conceive a baby.  My body would be a terrible place to try to grow a person right now, which is comforting since we haven't discussed any baby-making in months.  Long months.  This doesn't mean I'm not staying up on tracking my cycles, ovulation and everything else that I'll need to keep track of to make sure that when (ahem *if) we get back to a good enough place to try to conceive, I won't have to work harder than I would anyway.  

This being said, I should be smack dab in the middle of ovulation.  But, surprise for me; I've started a little mini-period instead.  I literally had to look up if this was normal, and guess what causes outside of hormonal issues, PCOS and menopause cause irregular periods?  Stress.

As I've gotten older I've lost the ability to just shrug off problems like they're nothing.  Possibly because the repercussions for failing have such higher stakes than they ever have, and those consequences scare the shit out of me, to the point where I might be too freaked out to sleep well.  It's definitely happened before. 

I bulked up on more Holy Basil, and a friend made a recommendation for Tulsi tea with Gotu Kola, which was kind & appreciated.  I even emailed my doctor with a witty little "wth is going on with my uterus" message. 

So in short; I'm a varitable mess right now.   It's a really disconcerting situation to feel totally out of touch with what your body is doing, which is how I feel right now.  I'm usually very tuned into what is going on with myself, and it feels almost like a betrayal.  I realize that this is really stupid to say, because it's only a perception of my own emotions, and in fact, if anything is going to be considered a "betrayal", it ought to be ME to blame for being an insensitive shit-face and not taking more care of myself.  My body only reacts to what I'm doing, and going through; it's not on auto-pilot and decides randomly to crash itself for no goddamn reason. 

All of this being said;  I'm going to go make myself another cup of tea, and take another Holy Basil.  Later I'm going to take some time at lunch to go take myself for a walk, and get out of my tiny little work-box for a half hour, after that I'm going to take a run at the gym until I'm about to collapse. 

You'd think at 32 years old, and able to care aptly for my children and my family that I would be able to remember to take care of myself.  Apparently I forgot to write myself a note in my calendar, because I can't remember the last time I took any time for myself to do basically any kind of regular activity or effort that would be just for me. 

Time to set up the necessary changes, and make it happen.  Holding my breath isn't going to help.

Monday, December 16, 2013


Last night while I was drifting off to sleep, my mind was marinated with a conversation I'd had with my mother about happiness, about protecting my child, and what challenges we were going through in our home during these times.

I am marinating presently on what it really means to be able to let it all go, and go without resentment and fear.  To make changes in my life which are absolutely terrifying and life-altering, while being able to take actual breaths while I'm doing it.

I'm a little scared right now.  To return to the fray was not what I'd thought would happen, but in my heart I realize that it's the only way I'm going to make it out of this ocean of poison.  I've worked so very hard for change, and not seen any fruit borne out of those labors.  How much longer I'll have to continue to labor is a question I already have an idea how to answer; indefinitely. 

The dreams I've made for myself will have to be put on hold; I know that now. I accept that I can wait, even though it's tremendously dissapointing.  I am willing to have this happen, because I will be moving forward. 

Forward, forward, always onward. 

The breaths I take are not just to feel the healing begin in me, they're to remember that this is all just a passing phase, and it will all be over soon, and that I'll be able to find my laughter and smiles when it's all over. 

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

There are a lot of things I've got on my mind. It feels a lot like I'm lacking in expression though. 
It's times like these that music often captured what I wanted to say more than my written or spoken word can, but in a sense, I feel so removed from that particular passion of mine....   It's a lot like being seperated from part of yourself and losing all sense of that it was you lost.

Waning Gibbous

After a great deal of deliberation, I've decided to publish this.

Our hearts are filled with so much sometimes that it's surprising that we can focus on anything else around us.  That focus can carry us for long periods of time through all sorts of obstacles and events, but it can also take us to very unexpected and dark places at the same time.

To a select few, I've had this discussion, and opening these doors in a more obtuse way makes my stomach turn over.  It hasn't been until the last few months, when things have gotten their darkest that I've been facing this subject with more seriousness, but my marriage is in a terrible, awful place. 

Beyond the struggles we are going to face to have a baby together (which I have been the more enthusiastic and interested in educating myself in, while my husband has remained silent, withdrawn and will not participate in unless I insist he be part of), I have discovered an anger in my husband that has reared itself through the trials having to do with his daughter.  As his wife, just watching him communicate with her via text, and observe as they play the roles of father/daughter together, I see him resenting and hating her.  These are his words; that he hates her.  Some of you may or may not know what we've been through together when it comes to her, but I'll spare you the regaling of tales of woe we've had. 

This anger he's got is completely consuming.  To the point where I am sitting next to a man who won't speak to me with more than 1 word, and won't communicate with me, even though we've been apart all day and haven't really had a conversation of more than a few sentences for a whole week.  This is what our week days looks like.  The anger is at everyone, everything, Our weekends have begun to be a complicated dance of him being unwilling to commit to any kinds of plans with the 3 of us (his daughter will bow out for work, her boyfriend, or to be with her friends. This is a 99.9% guarantee), so it's up to me to come up with activities for my son and I.  He and I spend most of our time together, and I treasure that time together very, very much.

My husband is so unhappy, and it seems like any solutions as to how to cure it is a complete mystery to him.  I've suggested time for him, time to be with his friends, that he takes bike rides, or go to the gym, or go play basketball, but he won't do it. 

The way our relationship has changed in the last few years, going from best friends to people who don't seem to know each other anymore, and have suffered even more at the hands of spites, disagreements, and judgments, have stalled my machinations of getting pregnant.  It wasn't long ago that in my mind I realized that it was likely that in our marriage I wouldn't see any other children. 

I can't tell you how devastatingly sorry this makes me to admit. 

In my life I've never imagined that I would be part of any great discoveries or processes.  I am not going to be the person who cures cancer, or who solves problems for the world, or builds rockets.  My dreams are so much more mundane and simple in comparison.  Just the love of my family, and the people I love and care for around me.   This was all I ever wanted in my life.  To be surrounded by love. 

I was the youngest by no less than 6, 10 and 16 years.  None of my older siblings had the time to spend with me.  My playmates were stuffed toys and Barbie dolls.  Imaginary friends and the boy across the cul-de-sac a little older than I was who suffered from a severe mental and physical disfigurement.    It wasn't until my adult years when I could finally breathe in the possibility that I could choose to make a family of my own. 

All through my 20's this was what I sought, and it was insanely difficult.  It was riddled with disappointments, devastations, set-backs and a few instances in which I realized these dreams might be founded on nothing more than the imaginary fumes from a child’s imagination.  Naturally when the moment in which I quit trying to find my dreams, they found me, and it was the scariest fucking thing I've ever experienced.   At the same time it was like cutting into the fabric of pure joy.  The hardest kind of work imaginable, but the highest level of reward you can imagine. 

I clung to that high for a very long time, and I suppose I still do.   

There was a great deal of idealizing going on when we got married.  We were drunk on the passion for our interests and plans, and each other that we felt when we got married, but it was almost immediately afterward that I experienced the first of several reveals about his person that made me balk at what I'd done.  Following this we've seen an onslaught of unhappiness all around us. 

I want to choose happiness, I want to choose a life more happily constructed and free from people who cannot simply choose NOT to wallow in hatred and anger for so long that it will poison everyone around them.   I want the person I am sharing my life to celebrate the happiness that we create for ourselves is just that - It is created.   You can choose anything you want for yourself, and to watch my husband be unable to choose something more fullfilling has hurt more than I can say. 

I've questioned so much about our pairing at this point, it's almost as if having a child together would be the absolute worst thing I could do for everyone (especially the baby I'd be having), but it doesn't stop my heart from pleading with me to keep trying to have one.  Ovaries are strange, you see.  Sometimes your hormones don't want to hear about all the problems you have; they just want to be sated.  They don't give a shit if you're having problems:  "Find a way to stick a baby in your womb, lady!" they say.   It's a terrible, awful conflict. 

So there it is, the naked truth.  Scratch the surface and you will positively reel at what can be found underneath. 

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Baby it's cold outside!

Delightfully, I am sitting in a divinely warm and woolly sweater.  Peppermint tea in hand, cold weather all around the state, and really festive Christmas groove tunes to listen to while I work. 

Today is a beautiful winter wonderland.  It is absolutely harshly cold and makes the things we have to do more arduous than it would be normally.  But that's what makes it beautiful.  Nothing in life should be so repetitive that we never have deviation.  Life is about change, suffering, hardships and challenges that we feel we cannot face.  This is everything we are made to endure and overcome, absolutely.
I feel so completely filled with happiness.  I have so much to marvel for in my life, and so many smiles that it brings to my lips.  I cannot begin to name them all, but I feel that my capacity for abundance is just beginning. 
"What you seek, is seeking you." -Rumi