I spent the better part of a few hours putting together a fairly dull entry here and after some pretty heavy self-criticism decided that it was total shit, and erased it.
I'll get right to the capital issue at hand here: Apathy. This word right here, while I haven't realized it for many years, has dominated my life.
Some of my more impressive highlights are; going to college because I was told to and then dropping out because I wasn't in to it. Going back for college a second time just to keep my mother happy, and losing interest in my classes because they had no relevancy to anything interesting. Moving across country to NYC to "explore" the world; not having any real professional skills so I couldn't actually find any work that would pay me enough to make actual money and not be homeless.
Really, a long line of choices and actions that revolved around either not giving a single fuck, or just not having the confidence in myself to stick to a single fucking thing in my life. Not one. So far the only thing I've "stuck" with is motherhood, and it's not like you can really quit that; you just might suck at it sometimes more than others. And trust me; I fail frequently and often,
I'm sitting in an office where my boss neither has time, nor cares to see professional growth is supported and encouraged. I'm paid enough to tread above a level of starvation, but if I were solely responsible for our households bills, we'd be in foreclosure for sure. I'm in a constant panic about a lack of contribution on my part to our overall household. And of course, shortcut taker that I am, hasn't made any kind of real plan about how to fix that.
My first notion: get a part time job! The reality? I can't actually get away nights and weekends; that would destroy my child. He can't handle me being away, and for my part, I can't handle being away from him like that either. Say what you will about how I'm probably damaging him for life - yes, I'm sure he's warped beyond reason, but goddamnit, I love that kid so much, and he's only going to want to be with my constantly for a few more short years. I don't want to have to sacrifice those just to earn an extra $500 a month, and work an extra 20 hours to get it.
Go back to school! Ok, this idea scares me more than ANYTHING in this world. Guess where I work? Debt collector for a major university. No joke. I spend my time talking to grads that have spent 4-9 years in school that cannot find work and have anywhere from a few thousand dollars in student debt to more than $100k in student debt. The ultimate connundrum after the financial crisis question is what in the hell would I study? What the hell do I want to be when I grow up?
I'm still waiting for the answer to this question to magically come to me. I'm sure others are as well. I remember my sister told me her senior year of high school that she either wanted to be a nurse, or a teacher. Well, 20 years and a PhD later, she teaches. My best friend: delayed in college by surprise (!) child(ren) at 20 and 22, she ended up a nursing school drop out only to begin classes again this semester to try to get herself back into nursing school again sometime soon.
A good friend from high school who had a beatnick kind of coolness to him had a passion for Physics and a laid back personality: He was sticken from cancer in his early 20s, took a break for treatment and fucking persevered by graduating with his own PhD in Physics a few years ago.
These are the people I want to be when I grow up. The people that took the odds against them, and said "well fuck you, pal." My largest hurdle is me. I know that. I cannot make up my mind about what's worth it, and what's not. I keep going over the scenarios (and mostly my own fears) in my own mind. I toyed with going to school to weld and never pulled the trigger, and even to this day revisit the possibility that I could indeed actually go to welding school. But them I'm flooded with the negativity of but would you like it? Would you be any good at it? Who would hire you? How would you pay tuition? Would this REALLY be what you wanted to do?
It's too much. Yes, it's simpler to hide out and quietly watch as others pursue their dreams, because your own aren't really all that great. I feel bad. Worthless. Not really all that impressive. I don't really feel anything good about any of it. I can't discuss it with my parents; they're split in the middle as different as possible on how to handle those kinds of choices, and my husband hasn't changed careers in 16 years. He's already sure I am the worlds biggest flake ever to walk on it.
I don't know what to do, or what to choose, or what I should do with myself. It's not worth upheaving my life to fly off in to the sunset with no plan or objective, but doing what I'm doing isn't going to put me into any happier place than I have been for the last 15 years either.
I apologize that this doesn't have some polished conclusion, or an enlightened ending. Sometimes answers don't come immediately, if they come at all. Shit, aren't we still debating on who killed Kennedy? I'm not anticipating that this is an answer I'll get any time soon.
I can't bear the thought of being a 34 year old semi-first time freshman in school. I feel like a bad enough disgrace as it is, and hardly worth putting any time into anymore. Just doesn't seem to be any reason anymore.