I like to party. And by party, I mean take naps.

I'm tired of negativity.  I'm tired of being covered in someone else's bad feelings about life and not feeling like I can share thoughts or ideas.  I feel smothered in crappy responses to normal day-to-day.  Giving everything and getting nothing buy open hands grasping, wanting more moremoremoremore.  Being blamed for shortcomings.  Always being at fault. Criticized. Flying by the seat of my pants all the time. 

I just want to stay at home today and cry this all away. Wash it away from me so I can wipe it out of my mind and just move forward.

Taking a breath

The wind along the front range is what I might consider gale force; but I'm not a meteorologist, so my opinion isn't official.   It was, however, strong enough wind to take the tops off the trash, move gardening stuff, and freak the hell out of the dogs and the kid (and me, but I stayed quiet). 

The last 2 months have been a challenge for me, and frankly, I'm not used to a challenge.  I figure this sounds lame, and I ought to do some 'splainin' on it. 

I'm used to getting what I want, and having the capacity to make that happen.  When I want a pair of boots; I budget for them or pick up more work.  Bam.   If I want to learn a skill; I gather my information and read/watch/absorb and plunge right in.  Bam.  If I want to pick up a hobby; I learn costs/lessons/efforts/time and BAM.  If I have a goal I want to crush, I set it in my cross hairs, list out hurdles to overcome and what I need to do to see it through, and BAM. 

You see how that goes?  Easy peasy.   But usually, when I put my mind to something, I don't fuck around about it.  I also happen to obsess about it, which makes it easier to accomplish.  I'll usually push everything else that isn't essential out to my peripheral world, and focus myself on accomplishing this one thing.  I'm not going to list all of the things this list encompasses because it's  years worth of activities that I've been up to, and it'll just end up making some weird pat-myself-on-the-back-list.  I can do that on paper and give myself an "atta girl" while I'm looking it over, or something.  Yeah.

So this whole pregnancy shtick is really hard to nail down. I didn't think it would though, and that makes me seem like kind of a whiny baby.  And yeah; maybe I am.   I know there are other people who have been doing this a lot longer than I have, and have had to endure many times over what I have only BEGUN to experience.  My heart goes out to those couples (or singles). Very seriously. 

This shit is ridiculous. 

The holidays approach upon us, and I reflect more and more about what I am blessed to have, and what I normally feel a great deal of fortune and appreciation for, which is my family.  As pathetic and campy as it sounds, they have become what I was always in need of.   The thing that I was looking for, was also looking for me as well.   These things in my life that I have surrounded myself, they bring me great joy.  I have very little to despair for, aside from not being able to have a baby together. In some ways this could be considered a fairly nominal thing.  Sometimes I myself make it into a nominal thing, however.   It would have the potential to become a very large part of our family (making us a 4, and not a 3 anymore).  But what cannot be helped, simply cannot be helped.

I still write in my journal to the baby that, I'm frankly not sure I will see soon, in hopes that someday he or she will be able to read it and know that even before they were made, they were loved and thought about with great anticipation.  Just like their older brother was.   It's a way to keep my hopes up, and to keep going through this.  Poor C is just floating along with me; unable to help much more than by just being near me (since a man isn't going through the physical part, like the exams, the calls, the visits, picking up the specimen, etc).  He's with me, and that is something I am thankful for. 

So this holiday season I will hold my family close, and remember that we are still whole and filled with love for each other.  Hopefully our whole will include a fourth before too long, but until then I will keep waiting with blithe anticipation that it won't be a very long wait.

T-Minus 4 days

I'm obsessing.

My cycle is due by the 9th or 10th. I could begin spotting as soon as the 8th.    I was insanely emotional yesterday, and then totally in the doldrums today.   My body feels empty and devoid of the subtle changes of pregnancy.  No little cramps, little swelling, chest tenderness. 

I keep stupidly holding on to the fact that with G, there were no symptoms until I realized I was at 35 days without a period, then a week later I was hit with intermittent nausea that rarely produced the relief of throwing up.  Just swirling, dizzying, awful nausea.  

My ObGyn is out of the office until Friday, so I couldn't call and freak out yesterday. 

During my last IUI, he said that the follicle was mature, and the egg was already released.  It would be a high likelihood of a boy.  While I don't necessarily want to know whether I have a higher chance of a boy or not (and I am secretly hoping for a girl, since I know this will be my absolute last shot at children and I'd like to have someone, who, after her terrible teen years, I can bond with over female things.  I'm sure my son will be busy dating, and doing things that don't involve hanging out with his mom), it was mildly depressing to know that I would be having another boy, if I'm being honest.   

More likely to have a boy, I should say. 

I had a blood draw two days ago to test for progesterone, which would confirm that I have, in fact ovulated at all. I was supposed to get one on my first IUI, 7 days prior, but I very honestly slacked off and didn't bother.  I have no defense. I'm a dick.

I felt more physical changes in the first round than in this one, but we were still remodeling the basement and I was working out every other day.  I remain convinced for no reason that this was a bad thing for me.  This time, however, nothing. No womb-gurgling, no exhaustion. Just....  Nada.  :(

I had a cramp here and there, but nothing else. Especially on Halloween night.  I was totally bloated, but I couldn't tell if that was because I had a hamburger or not (and burgers tend to stop me up).

4 more days to miss my cycle and then if this round wasn't successful, I'll likely ovulate somewhere around the 17th or 20th, depending.

I had acupuncture on the 3rd, and while I didn't take a wholly deep nap, I did get a few light zzz's in.  I woke up a few times and found myself talking to my body, in my mind.  Telling it we were doing great, we were in this together, and that we could do it. Together.  Talking to baby and telling him/her that they were wanted, and I hope they were there already, and I couldn't wait to see them, how much Mommy loved them.  It made me tear up something awful behind my closed eyes.  I think of people who go through this for years, and seriously question whether or not I could go through this for that long.  I imagine that the pain lessens over time, despite that you keep trying.  Reality kind of fades into the background so you can get through the anguish, in a way.  

Joined an online message board of women who are in similar positions.  They're giving me a lot of great information, which I have immensely appreciated.  Helps to know you're not the only one. 

Hubs called this morning to see if I felt anything. Preggo or not.  He was a little sad to hear that I still felt the same.  It was nice that he called me. It lifted my spirits a bit.  It's kind of the first thing he's really done to reach out and connect with me about since we started TTC. 

The Prosaic Tale

I spent the better part of a few hours putting together a fairly dull entry here and after some pretty heavy self-criticism decided that it was total shit, and erased it. 

I'll get right to the capital issue at hand here:  Apathy. This word right here, while I haven't realized it for many years, has dominated my life. 

Some of my more impressive highlights are; going to college because I was told to and then dropping out because I wasn't in to it.  Going back for college a second time just to keep my mother happy, and losing interest in my classes because they had no relevancy to anything interesting.  Moving across country to NYC to "explore" the world; not having any real professional skills so I couldn't actually find any work that would pay me enough to make actual money and not be homeless. 

Really, a long line of choices and actions that revolved around either not giving a single fuck, or just not having the confidence in myself to stick to a single fucking thing in my life.  Not one.   So far the only thing I've "stuck" with is motherhood, and it's not like you can really quit that; you just might suck at it sometimes more than others.  And trust me;  I fail frequently and often,

I'm sitting in an office where my boss neither has time, nor cares to see professional growth is supported and encouraged.  I'm paid enough to tread above a level of starvation, but if I were solely responsible for our households bills, we'd be in foreclosure for sure.  I'm in a constant panic about a lack of contribution on my part to our overall household.   And of course, shortcut taker that I am, hasn't made any kind of real plan about how to fix that. 

My first notion:  get a part time job!  The reality?  I can't actually get away nights and weekends; that would destroy my child.  He can't handle me being away, and for my part, I can't handle being away from him like that either.  Say what you will about how I'm probably damaging him for life - yes, I'm sure he's warped beyond reason, but goddamnit, I love that kid so much, and he's only going to want to be with my constantly for a few more short years.  I don't want to have to sacrifice those just to earn an extra $500 a month, and work an extra 20 hours to get it. 

Go back to school!  Ok, this idea scares me more than ANYTHING in this world.  Guess where I work?  Debt collector for a major university.  No joke.  I spend my time talking to grads that have spent 4-9 years in school that cannot find work and have anywhere from a few thousand dollars in student debt to more than $100k in student debt.  The ultimate connundrum after the financial crisis question is what in the hell would I study?  What the hell do I want to be when I grow up? 

I'm still waiting for the answer to this question to magically come to me.  I'm sure others are as well.  I remember my sister told me her senior year of high school that she either wanted to be a nurse, or a teacher.  Well, 20 years and a PhD later, she teaches.  My best friend:  delayed in college by surprise (!) child(ren) at 20 and 22, she ended up a nursing school drop out only to begin classes again this semester to try to get herself back into nursing school again sometime soon. 

A good friend from high school who had a beatnick kind of coolness to him had a passion for Physics and a laid back personality:  He was sticken from cancer in his early 20s, took a break for treatment and fucking persevered by graduating with his own PhD in Physics a few years ago.

These are the people I want to be when I grow up.  The people that took the odds against them, and said "well fuck you, pal."    My largest hurdle is me.  I know that.  I cannot make up my mind about what's worth it, and what's not.  I keep going over the scenarios (and mostly my own fears) in my own mind.  I toyed with going to school to weld and never pulled the trigger, and even to this day revisit the possibility that I could indeed actually go to welding school.  But them I'm flooded with the negativity of but would you like it?  Would you be any good at it?  Who would hire you?  How would you pay tuition?  Would this REALLY be what you wanted to do? 

It's too much.  Yes, it's simpler to hide out and quietly watch as others pursue their dreams, because your own aren't really all that great.  I feel bad.  Worthless.  Not really all that impressive.  I don't really feel anything good about any of it.  I can't discuss it with my parents; they're split in the middle as different as possible on how to handle those kinds of choices, and my husband hasn't changed careers in 16 years.  He's already sure I am the worlds biggest flake ever to walk on it. 

I don't know what to do, or what to choose, or what I should do with myself.  It's not worth upheaving my life to fly off in to the sunset with no plan or objective, but doing what I'm doing isn't going to put me into any happier place than I have been for the last 15 years either.

I apologize that this doesn't have some polished conclusion, or an enlightened ending.  Sometimes answers don't come immediately, if they come at all.  Shit, aren't we still debating on who killed Kennedy?  I'm not anticipating that this is an answer I'll get any time soon. 

I can't bear the thought of being a 34 year old semi-first time freshman in school.  I feel like a bad enough disgrace as it is, and hardly worth putting any time into anymore.   Just doesn't seem to be any reason anymore.

Ringing in 2015, aka, "This is terribly belated"

I don't know about anyone else, but "New Years Resolutions" makes me feel about as awesome as when you start seeing a new Doctor and you need to fill out the questionaire about your cholesterol, history of diabetes, and when you last gave yourself a self-breast exam. 

Blech.

Making a list of things that you need to improve just because it's a new year doesn't seem to have any real weight that will carry you through those 12 long months.  Hell, by the time September rolls around we seem to forget that we're waltzing straight into the holiday season, let alone the home stretch for the end of the year (and thus the deadline for these "goals").

I generally have a list that I've got running for myself that's a lot like my grocery list.  Check the items off as you come across them, and try to get them all in a seamless fashion so as to save time, and avoid backtracking too far.  These are things that need to get done, but if they're leftover for next trip, NO ONE IS GOING TO DIE.

I say that now, but one day something insane like "eating less fats because your cholesterol is over 300, you goddamn animal" is going to be on my list, and then shit is going to be real.  I'll eat my words when that happens. 

So in order of things likely to get done, here's what I hope to get hammered out in the near future:

• Get our minor reno projects out of the way so we can start planning the scary and lenthy ones
• Measure dimensions for new beds and start hunting for pallets for free on craiglist
• pick these bad boys up and store them. Pronto!
• Move the new dresser into Kiddos room, so you can get rid of his old one that threatens to tip over every time you open it.  Seriously. 
• UFYH in the 3rd bedroom.  Also seriously.
• Fix the damn composter (and dump compost into it)
• Should the old dog run be converted into new composting rotation?

Additional achievements to unlock this year:

• Stop picking up projects that I can't get to.
• Also try to finish new shit that I HAVEN'T gotten to.
• This includes refinishing the rocking chair, and the 2 cast iron skillets I've acquired that NEED to be refinished.  No.More.Projects.
• Try not to become an unintentional pack-rat
• De-clutter thyself.  Immediately.  Ahem; TODAY. 

More, on this, but a little later...................

Finding Cheer after the holidays

After all the joy of the holidays, when the presents are torn apart, the toys put away in cubbies, the Christmas tree/menorah/Holiday decorations are all stored back up, we find ourselves in a slump.  It's still cold out, winter doesn't magically pack itself away and we're left with a huge gap in the upcoming months where you shall see nary a shred of happiness, or paid vacation days.  With the exception perhaps of MLK day, or in my employers case, Cesar Chavez day.

I didn't even know that this was a holiday, and I am 1/5 Hispanic.  I failed my Hispanic roots right there.   (Note:  my dad won't admit this; he says we're Native American, and French.  His parents names were Manuel & Roma.  I got nothing here other than that).

So here we are, back into the numbing work of plodding along, the nights are just starting to back down a little bit from showing up at 4:30 in the afternoon which causes us to feel like you need to rush directly home, right after work, so as not to be caught out at night.  Because nighttime in winter is terrible, worse than anything in the world.  God forbid that you be caught out in it, and especially when you know your pajamas are waiting for you in the snug surroundings of your abode.   This could also just be me, and I am a lazy freak when it comes to the cold.

Something about this time of year is what causes us to hit a sort-of low point with some things.  Maybe it's that sudden ramp down from holiday cheer and frivolity, maybe it's the credit card bills we all know are coming imminently that we didn't want to deal with when we were buying 3 memberships to wine-of-the-month club for ourselves from "Santa", maybe it's because there's a freakish Arctic weather pattern that is fucking up all of our nice Colorado winter weather.  Whatever it is, we are now deep into the pocket of what's called "Seasonal Affected Disorder", or SAD.  Very apropos. 

Sadness doesn't really need to be for any reason.  It could be because all of your pants are magically 1/2" too short, and you didn't notice that you've looked like Harrison Ford in Witness with his Amish pants.  It came come for a spell and leave just as soon as it would like, and doesn't need to announce itself.  But while it's there, you find that even the nice things you usually enjoy make you feel disconnected, and uncaring.   You don't feel like working on your 1,000 piece puzzle, you don't want to snuggle your children as much when they go to bed, you don't care that the dogs just want your presence next to yours.

The sad thing about sad is that all of those things make you happy.  So many things many you happy, and because the chemistry in your mind is out of balance, none of it matters.    In these times I find it impossible to care about basically anything.  I go longer without shaving, showering, planning meals, planning what I'll wear tomorrow (more out of convenience than anything, I'm not so fashionable that I'm planning something interesting, we're talking shoes, pants, shirt; done).

For those of you, like me, who are in this funk?   Well.....  I'm with you.  We're all here together.  If it's a rough time at work, a crap time in your marriage, something with your kids that you neither understand or know what to do about.  Whatever it is;  I'm here too.

You're not alone.


In light of the fact that you might be feeling as down as I am, I've come up with a list of things that might help.  In no specific order:

• Google "funny memes" on your lunch break.  Or poop break.  Whatever.  Don't GAF at this point.
• Schedule yourself a 30-90 minute massage. 
• Take some time for yourself to relax.  Whatever is pushing this shittiness on you can't very well be fed when you're 100% relaxed.  Shit, maybe you'll burst into tears on the massage table, and while it will be embarrassing as hell, you'll need it.   Not that I've done that.  No, not me.
• Take a walk.
• This is not trivial.  Seriously. Take a walk and look around you.   Don't forget to observe the ice and slush around you; I don't want to be responsible for you falling on your ass when you were looking up.
• Pet your animal for a least 30 minutes.
• Scientifically, this mellows people out, and your animal will get some enjoyment out of it too.  Win, win!
• Get some.
• If you're alone, or if you're married/partnered/unioned; take some time to make this happen.  Orgasms = endorphins = you feel better/not like moose crap anymore.
• Get a small project together.
• Nothing huge, maybe it's just organizing a desk drawer, or a bathroom cabinet.  Give yourself some purpose and some body movement.  Even if it doesn't help, you'll still appreciate that you did something, even if it's in that same way that Eeyore would embrace good news, like "yeah, well, it didn't help, but at least it's done".
• Listen to some music.
• Not depressing shit either, like blues or jazz.  That shit will not help very much aside from lull you to sleep and make you not ever want to wake up.  Try something upbeat.
• Ask for a hug.
• Don't ask for hugs from strangers.  People are really weird lately, and you'll likely get maced anymore.   Try a hug from a friend, someone close to you, who cares about you.  Hugging for 20 seconds or more has been proven to raise serotonin levels. Hell, I will hug you, and not mace you.  I probably need a good hug, too.
• Do something nice for yourself.
• At the risk of encouraging someone to be frivolous, darn it, it might be time for you to buy something that makes you happy.  What my mom always called "a little pick me up".  A scarf that you loved that you spy at a store, a nail polish that you thing is lovely, a magazine that you wanted to read.  If you've got a job and a few bucks to blow, then the sky could be the limit!  
• Talk to someone.
• Maybe it's not as simple as just "cheering yourself up".  If you're down so low that even a stern puppy-swarming cannot bring you a laugh, a chuckle, or even draw the slightest smile (and might even make you cry), it really might be time to make an appointment to discuss what you might be going through.  No one but you needs to know about it too, that's what's beautiful.  If you're like me, I hate telling people when something is seriously wrong.  I hate sympathy for myself and I can't explain why; I just get very guarded when it comes to things like feelings.   And even if it's just a talk over the phone, or a series of appointments just remember that you're trying to help yourself maintain in a world that's very hard to maintain in.  Seriously; it's insanity out here.   

Wherever you are, both emotionally/mentally or physically, I really hope something on this list helps you.  Maybe you'll read it and say "man, she missed this one important thing on her list "___insert action or item____" that would totally work for me", and that's the thing that gives you just a smidge of pep in your step.  I might not have thought of it, but hopefully I put enough inspiration in front of you to find it on your own.


Many hugs, and don't worry;  Seriously, it will all be ok. 

Everything good

Today I exchanged a cup of coffee for a cup of tea.  On the end of the string of by bag, the tag reads "patience pays". 

Amid the hurrying to get one place, or another, and planning one thing or another, this helped me so tremendously today. 

I am grateful for subtle reminders.  I feel very lucky to have everything that I do. 

The moments we forget

Since tomorrow will be one long string of complete mayhem and chaos, I want to give thanks before the fact. 

There's a level of insanity that you don't quite have a full grasp upon before you have children.  Even before they're born, and still snuggling and kicking around deep in your body, you think you're going to have a grasp on what it will be like, but it's just not able to prepare you. 

Through this chaos, probably just another word we can call "life", there are moments when we'd prefer to crawl into our secret hiding place, cover ourselves and just lay still until the storms of chaos blow over us.  Other times, there are moments, even if they're fleeing, that touch and move us so completely, so deeply, that we commit to ourselves during that very moment that they will forever be etched in our minds.  Forever and ever.  Now, sadly, that rarely happens.  Unless you've got the video camera, or the phone camera snapping shot after shot (I don't do this - how do I juggle my arm loads of shit with a camera rolling, exactly?)

That being said; those moments?  The precious ones, the ones that touch your heart and send your mind into utter and complete nirvana, your brain pumping Oxytocin all over you until you can practically feel the hairs raise off your whole body.  These are the things I want to give thanks for.  These shreds of light filled with beauty in my life that fill me with things I NEVER understood were going to be part of life.  

I am so very thankful.  Everyday.  Call it blessed, smiled on, lucky, fortunate.  I will use a million words to describe this if I need to.  No matter where the path of my life and my experiences will every take me, the bliss I feel from being part of this is humbling and stunning.  I will never stop feeling gratitude for it.

Something different

There are a few new tags that I'm adding in light of the sudden fervor that I've observed in my own writing concerning our path to conception.  I would like to take today to have a meditative but momentary pause in something that brings me peace.

“If you love a flower, don’t pick it up.
Because if you pick it up it dies and it ceases to be what you love.
So if you love a flower, let it be.
Love is not about possession.
Love is about appreciation.”

― Osho

 

 

I learn every day

"There is no need for temples, no need for complicated philosophies. My brain and my heart are my temples; my philosophy is kindness." - Dalai Lama

Today I'd like to take with me the knowledge that I will carry what I need with me inside my body.  Inherently, I have everything I need, I have only to see it that way, and it will be! 

A whimsical excerpt that I found this morning strck chords of similar feeling that I wanted to share: "Honestly, Buddhism puzzles the hell out of most people in the West. (Actually, it puzzles the hell out of people everywhere, but we’ll stick with the West for today.)" (Charlie Martin, PJ Media)   Something surrounding the beliefs of Buddhism does this very thing to people who are indoctrinated in Western mindset.  This realm of different-mindedness causes fear in the unknown, which I find interesting, because the more I have absorbed from this structure is so very UN-scary. 

Great food for thought and contemplation for today.   My journey moves on!

Be well and thrive!  =)

New and improved

This poor blog isn't something I've made the right amount of use of in the last few years, and I aim to change that. 

Recently in reading several pieces of literature about successful and happy people, I discovered many things were coming up again and again, and one of these was "keeping a journal".  Since, like most of the world, not a single person actually writes with a pen/pencil anymore (unless you're unable to get directions from someone via speaker phone while you're plugging them into Google maps....), then we're all online, typing away to our hearts desires.  And let's face it;  the art of penmanship might have went out with the generation of Gilligan's Island.

So with this said; I am going to make this my new journal.  For better or worse, or whatever the hell else.  

This is going to be a short first, so I'll end it with this: 

Estes Park, on my 32nd birthday.  My son.  My sweetheart.  <3 .="">

Oh how time goes quickly.

Seems like just yesterday I was holding a bawling little infant in my arms, waking up every 2-4 hours and enveloped in new-baby bliss and charmingness.  Now, 4.5 years later I'm hugging and talking and having conversations with this big guy!  

Sigh.   <3>

OK, maybe one more.