Thursday, November 5, 2015

T-Minus 4 days

I'm obsessing.

My cycle is due by the 9th or 10th. I could begin spotting as soon as the 8th.    I was insanely emotional yesterday, and then totally in the doldrums today.   My body feels empty and devoid of the subtle changes of pregnancy.  No little cramps, little swelling, chest tenderness. 

I keep stupidly holding on to the fact that with G, there were no symptoms until I realized I was at 35 days without a period, then a week later I was hit with intermittent nausea that rarely produced the relief of throwing up.  Just swirling, dizzying, awful nausea.  

My ObGyn is out of the office until Friday, so I couldn't call and freak out yesterday. 

During my last IUI, he said that the follicle was mature, and the egg was already released.  It would be a high likelihood of a boy.  While I don't necessarily want to know whether I have a higher chance of a boy or not (and I am secretly hoping for a girl, since I know this will be my absolute last shot at children and I'd like to have someone, who, after her terrible teen years, I can bond with over female things.  I'm sure my son will be busy dating, and doing things that don't involve hanging out with his mom), it was mildly depressing to know that I would be having another boy, if I'm being honest.   

More likely to have a boy, I should say. 

I had a blood draw two days ago to test for progesterone, which would confirm that I have, in fact ovulated at all. I was supposed to get one on my first IUI, 7 days prior, but I very honestly slacked off and didn't bother.  I have no defense. I'm a dick.

I felt more physical changes in the first round than in this one, but we were still remodeling the basement and I was working out every other day.  I remain convinced for no reason that this was a bad thing for me.  This time, however, nothing. No womb-gurgling, no exhaustion. Just....  Nada.  :(

I had a cramp here and there, but nothing else. Especially on Halloween night.  I was totally bloated, but I couldn't tell if that was because I had a hamburger or not (and burgers tend to stop me up).

4 more days to miss my cycle and then if this round wasn't successful, I'll likely ovulate somewhere around the 17th or 20th, depending.

I had acupuncture on the 3rd, and while I didn't take a wholly deep nap, I did get a few light zzz's in.  I woke up a few times and found myself talking to my body, in my mind.  Telling it we were doing great, we were in this together, and that we could do it. Together.  Talking to baby and telling him/her that they were wanted, and I hope they were there already, and I couldn't wait to see them, how much Mommy loved them.  It made me tear up something awful behind my closed eyes.  I think of people who go through this for years, and seriously question whether or not I could go through this for that long.  I imagine that the pain lessens over time, despite that you keep trying.  Reality kind of fades into the background so you can get through the anguish, in a way.  

Joined an online message board of women who are in similar positions.  They're giving me a lot of great information, which I have immensely appreciated.  Helps to know you're not the only one. 

Hubs called this morning to see if I felt anything. Preggo or not.  He was a little sad to hear that I still felt the same.  It was nice that he called me. It lifted my spirits a bit.  It's kind of the first thing he's really done to reach out and connect with me about since we started TTC. 

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