Thursday, October 10, 2013

To resonate

I heard this in a documentary yesterday, and the parallels were just so touching for what we're going through right now.

"It's just this longing to hold your baby.  I sometimes just feel selfish that I can't accept that
we've got one and some people can't even have that.  We're very, very lucky that we have our child,
but it doesn't stop from having this longing."

The last two days have been spent being able to indulge in a few documentaries about various forms of infertility, and a millionaire in the 1970's who endeavored to create a sperm bank with the genetic material of men possessing superior intelligence levels.  The sperm of what the creator called "clever men".

Sign.me.up., I say!  Unfortunately it seems as though this depository no longer exists.  Also, being that the story takes place more than 40 years ago, it's presumed that the materials are additionally no longer available in this same capacity.

Still.....  Several Nobel Laureates had contributed.   I can't lie; the idea of having a near-genius child would be a dream I could only hope and deign to have. 

 
 

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

A new direction

The subject of fertility is often one people get bored of hearing, or reading, so it's not something I am going to wear across my shoulders lightly.  I didn't conjure the idea of writing down our experiences without realizing that people might find it dull, and monotonous.  Realistically, this is my method of putting one piece of information in line, right after the other.  No expectations, and hopefully less horseshit.

Here's to hoping. 

I knew right from the start that the husband (at the time, he was just "the boyfriend") that we were going to need some proceedure in order to conceive.  Having been in an LTR of his own until November 2010 with a person he DIDN'T want to risk having a child with, he'd had a vasectomy in October 2010. 

So Fast forward until April 2011.  I'm in the middle of a break-up and move-out when I put myself "out there" on a whim.  Queue future-husband (insert trumpeting fanfare), and fast forward again after months of emails, phone calls and countless text messages.  November 2010 is when we had the conversation concerning his physical imparement, and my desire for more seedlings.  Thus, where our journey was borne. 

The following sping, April 2011, I had my IUD removed as it was no longer a needed form of BC, and we wanted my body to get into a place where if we wanted to start preparing to have a child together, the fields would be ready and I wouldn't have to deal with appointments and exams (more than you'd have normally, anyway).  I confess that, with the removal of my IUD, I was SURE that the universe would gracious and lovingly impart some kind of a miracle child in my body, and we could laugh for the rest of our lives that we'd be giggling over the 1/1,000 statistic about how we'd been able to beat the odds and hassles of the hurdles of non-traditional conception.    Har har.

So fast forward some more; July 2013.  Husband and I have jobs we can work for many, many years to come.  Stability, health insurance, retirement and the ability to cross one more important thing we need to cover off our list before really cruising down the baby track.  

The question has always lingered to my husband about where our baby will come from, and as our first option was always to explore a reconnection of his vasectomy.  This was something that proved MORE disconserting than you could possibly imagine.  Only 24 months after this was performed, a highly qualified local Urologist and his team deemed our case at only a 90% chance of success, depending on how motile and healthy husband's sperm were.  This leaves a grizzly 10% chance of failure for us to masticate upon.  On top of that, the surgery cost (without any "unexepected surprises") would start around $7,000.  Payment plans are not accepted, unless they're done in forward (money first, delivery of goods following payment).  No financing, and also no insurance coverage; this is an "elective proceedure".

Getting the vasectomy cost under $1,000.

So knowing that, if we had a surgery to reconnect the tubes and try for a natural child, we'd be looking at a heap of medical costs, an uncomfortably high percentage that it WOULDN'T be successfull (and unlike Wal-Mart, you can't get your money back when it doesn't work correctly!), and no way to pay in comfortable incriments. 

A visit to a busy OB in Loveland helped us to know what "extraction" could do for us!  Extraction involves a physical removal through the testicle wall via syringe and would allow sperm matter to be extracted and delivered into my uterus through a process of IUI, after a washing process.  The OB explained during this meeting that even after a few years of being pent up inside the testes, sperm lost a great deal of their swimming capabilities; in order to make an effective exchange, he wanted to deliver those lazy little tadpoles to one of my pre-retrieved eggs and, upon fertilization, send it back along the canal and into my womb. 

This, my friends, is what is refered to as IVF.  $12k-$20k per deposit.   Holy shitballs!!

All this, and every month my poor lonely uterus dumps another egg and weeps blood, and curses my name.  

This is how we came to the lovely land of "Donated Sperm"!   Ropey jets of flying tadpoles for anyone who wants to have a baby!  Yippie!   Of course, this also has it's cornucopia of pros and cons.  The read a lot like that contract that the children signed in the original make of Charlie and The Chocolate Factory.  If you don't remember that movie, you need to go watch it, and then come back and re-read that paragraph; I promise you won't regret it. 

So with this, we have a litany of flipping proceedures we're going to need to be put through: blood draws to confirm progesterone production (which signals that my body is in fact shooting out tiny little eggs), 2 to 3 boxes of ovulation predictors, and a calendar to write down every single stage of ovulation and menses. 

So, we are armed, organized, terrified, broke, and still crossing our fingers that for some reason, one of those damn testical tubes finds its way to reconnect itself from the urethra to the testicle and shoot some lazy, happy, bumbling little sperm so they can manage to clutz their way into some random egg my uterus left laying around the womb.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

I learn every day

"There is no need for temples, no need for complicated philosophies. My brain and my heart are my temples; my philosophy is kindness." - Dalai Lama

Today I'd like to take with me the knowledge that I will carry what I need with me inside my body.  Inherently, I have everything I need, I have only to see it that way, and it will be! 

A whimsical excerpt that I found this morning strck chords of similar feeling that I wanted to share: "Honestly, Buddhism puzzles the hell out of most people in the West. (Actually, it puzzles the hell out of people everywhere, but we’ll stick with the West for today.)" (Charlie Martin, PJ Media)   Something surrounding the beliefs of Buddhism does this very thing to people who are indoctrinated in Western mindset.  This realm of different-mindedness causes fear in the unknown, which I find interesting, because the more I have absorbed from this structure is so very UN-scary. 

Great food for thought and contemplation for today.   My journey moves on!

Be well and thrive!  =)

Monday, June 24, 2013

My daily Buddhism

"It is very good for children to see their parents sit still and be calm. That gives them the idea that maybe they too can do the same. If Mom and Dad are always busy, running around, talking on the phone, stressed out, or collapsed in front of the TV, the kids will also be like this."

I read this today, and am reminded of HOW much our daily lives are like this.  We run around crazily to accomplish everything we need and desire before coming home and sinking into our comfort-place.  What impressions are we giving our children?  What lessons? 

What I've taken from the excerpt is the unspoken levels in which children absorb from their parents, and what actions, emotions and attitudes this will teach them to have themselves. 

Today I've been shown a reflection of myself I've never bothered to look at before, and it is astounding that I see a person who does this very thing.  Not bothering to realize HOW I am teaching my child by example. 

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Recipe for fertility!

So on the very first steps (and I must emphasize first here) to preparing for pregnancy, I've been reaching out to the intarweb to collect information about preparing for pregnancy. Although Grey was a surprise, and I didn't prepare as I could have (and having additionally turned out just fine the way things happened), given the option I'd like to make some attempt at being my healthiest when we're ready for baby Thomas #2.

SO for my own edification (and so I don't have to keep bookmarking this site), here are a few herbs that have shown frequently as useful in preparation.  Those that are in blue are the ones I am actively in touch with and have placed in a tea that I drink daily.

Pregnancy Preparation

The main focus when choosing herbs for preconception is to nourish the body, detoxify for hormonal balance/optimal health, support uterine tone, build the blood, and support healthy stress response. Preconception herbs are best used at least 3-6 months prior to conception. Many of these herbs should not be used into pregnancy.
 
  • Alfalfa aerial parts (Medicago sativa): Very nutritious, high in vitamins and minerals. Contains some phytoestrogens. Aids in protection against xenohormones. Aids in vaginal atrophy and dryness.

  • Ashwagandha root (Withania somnifera): Supports overall endocrine system function for proper hormonal balance, immune system and stress response.

  • Burdock root (Arctium lappa): Nourishing and cleansing for the liver, aiding in hormonal balance.

  • Dandelion leaf (Taraxacum officinale): Nourishing. Used to increase nutrition, supportive of liver health, for hormonal balance.

  • Dandelion root (Taraxacum officinale): Aids in liver health, stimulates digestion for improved hormonal balance.

  • Dong Quai root (Angelica sinensis): Aids in hormonal balance. Used for congestive fertility states such as endometriosis, uterine fibroids, PCOS, ovarian cysts. Supports healthy circulation to the uterus, nourishing for the blood. Reduction in pain associated with reproductive organs. Strengthens the uterus by regulating hormonal control, improving uterine tone, and improving the timing of the menstrual cycle. In Asia dong quai is to women’s health as ginseng is to men’s health.

  • Eleuthero root and stem bark (Eleutherococcus senticosus): Supports proper endocrine function through its adaptogenic properties. Supports overall hormonal balance, excellent for stress support.

  • Evening Primrose Oil cold pressed from seed (Oenothera biennis): Supports overall hormonal balance and cervical mucous production through its high content of the omega-6 essential fatty acids (EFA’s), Linoleic Acid (LA) and Gamma Linolenic Acid (GLA). LA is needed for prostaglandin E and GLA is needed for the synthesis of prostaglandin E. One of the many functions of Prostaglandins is to help control regulation of hormones as well as control proper cell growth. This is because of its high content of the omega-6 essential fatty acids (EFA’s), Linoleic Acid (LA) and Gamma Linolenic Acid (GLA).

  • Hibiscus flower petals (Hibiscus sabdariffa): Very high in vitamin C, may support healthy cervical mucous. Vit. C is essential for proper absorption of iron. Best combined with herbs high in iron, Raspberry lf., Yellow dock, Nettles. Supports proper heart health and blood pressure.

  • Lemon Balm leaf (Melissa officinalis): Excellent nervous system support. Supports healthy stress response, lessens depression and anxiety. Good emotional health, and stress response is important prior to conception. Not for use for people with hypothyroidism.

  • Maca root (Lepidium meyenii): Maca is a nourishing food for the endocrine system, aiding both the pituitary, adrenal, and thyroid glands (all involved in hormonal balance.) Supports overall hormonal balance, works to balance estrogen/progesterone levels.  Maca is the only plant known in the world that can grow and thrive at such a high altitude and in such harsh weather. For more than two millennia, native Peruvians have used maca root as food and medicine to promote fertility, endurance, energy, vitality, and sexual virility.

  • Milk Thistle seed (Silybum marianum): Supports hormonal balance. It is one of the best plants for liver health. Liver health is vital for hormonal balance. The liver helps to filter toxins from the body, including excess hormones. 

  • Nettles leaf, root, seed (Urtica dioica): Nutritive; high mineral, vitamin and chlorophyll content. Supportive of gentle cleansing of the liver, lungs, intestines and kidneys. Great adrenal support. Supports proper blood formation through its high iron content.

  • Oatstraw (stems), Milky Oats (tops) exert a stronger effect than oatstraw, (Avena sativa): Nourishing, aids in stress reduction by supporting nervous system. Great support for stress related fertility issues.

  • Red Clover leaves, blossoms (Trifolium pratense): Red Clover is a nourishing food herb. It is rich in a variety of vitamins and minerals. It is one of the best blood purifying herbs, aiding in detoxification of environmental pollutants prior to conception. Phytoestrogenic, may help protect body from xenohormones. May increase cervical mucous. 

  • Red Raspberry leaf (Rubus idaeus): Nutritive, high in vitamins and minerals. It is a uterine tonic, preparing the uterus for pregnancy and labor. 

  • Schisandra, fruit and seed (Schisandra chinensis): Adaptogen, supports healthy hormonal balance through endocrine system support. Promotes proper immune and stress response.

  • Seaweed (variety of species): Extremely high in vitamins and minerals, including iodine, which is necessary for proper thyroid function. High in fiber for improved estrogen metabolism. Learn more here…

  • Yellow dock root (Rumex crispus): Stimulates bile production for healthy removal of toxins, supportive of liver health and is high in iron, which may help support adequate iron levels which is essential for proper blood formation.
What the most amazing thing here is that several of these were already hanging around my tea cabinet. The Yellow Dock was harvested from a farm wherein the farmer just shrugged and said "take it, I have no use for it".  It was dried and stored until now. 

The lemon balm was something that came with our home last year (which I believe is a sign!), however at the time I didn't realize what it was and took the larger plant we had growing and tossed it out when I re-did the beds.  Luck for me, this stuff is like Creeping Jennie and it's already shown itself in no less than 8 other places around the yard; so I KNOW it will come back.  I've already been able to collect about a dozen leaves to begin a small stock.

At the Spring Creek Park, Alfalfa grows completely wild and unmanaged.  As it's open space, I'm finding myself to be wary about collecting any of it, not knowing any of the practices used in the area for insect management or plant disease and treatment.  I haven't decided if I will be using this plant from this source.

Dandelion leaf.  This shit is growing so far up my bandwagon, I could just farm it for a living.  My first payload was collected last night and following a thorough washing, it's already laid out for drying to be added to my tea. 

Monday, June 17, 2013

Adult life is a lie.

Today is one of those Mondays where ALL I want to do it knit.  It's times like these that I wish I had some kind of addiction support.  The biggest problem there is that knitting IS my addiction support.   

Poop. 

In other news: Florence and the Machine.  Wow!  Some kind of great blend between Souxsie and the Banshees, and reminiscent of other 80's electros and goth-y greats!   Pandora keeps doling her out like she's going out of style, and I'm not complaining, either!    :D

Seriously, is it time for me to get a 15 minute so I can knit?  I'm about to start chewing my nails. 

Completely out of the blue here, in late commemoration of Father's Day, here is the Bear and I at Cameron Pass (It's 52 degrees out and we're freezing our butts off)

Good times in the mountains.  <3>

Also, we saw a moose: 

Yes, this camera phone lacks a telephoto lense, but that dark smudge is a hearty little juvenile Bull Moose.  Staring blankly and calmly at the crown of passers by in Red Feathers.  This is only the 2nd Moose I've ever seen in Colorado (first was in 2005, Winter Park, and that Moose was nothing short of MASSIVE).

I'm looking forward to seeing more Moose someday.  Hopefully sooner than another 8 years from now.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Technology Darkness

It's slightly unfortunate that my husband and I are in a compromised enough position financially that he agreed to let me shut off the cable. I'd initially made the suggestion as a "30 day technology abstinence" challenge. Sadly, as his daughters MOUNTING mental health medical debt has begun to ramp upward again, we're looking at making hard choices between putting food on our table, or watching Step-Brothers on FX.

I'm not ashamed to write that in October of 2014, when she turnes 18, I will be celebrating the win for us.

So with this technology darkness, I've had to come up with a large cache of projects to focus my attention on. Also; paying our way slowly and painfully out of this hole leaves me with no other options than to start whittling away at my yarn stash.

With that, here is my lovely Dragon Berry Citron:  
At section 5, and row 6 (at 444 stitches) this beauty is basically crammed SO tightly onto my 9" circular, it's difficult to even move as I knit.  I'm sure you're saying "well, why don't you move it up to a longer cable, silly?"  Which, I would, but for the life of me, I can't seem to find any other size 7's in my hoard.  Not a single pair.  I can't imagine why either.  From here it only gets worse, too.  The ruffled edging takes one more kfb series, leaving me with 540 sts on the wire.  It's going to be more crowded than the rectum of a mule moving heroin from Chihuahua to Las Vegas on a PanAm flight.    And with that little visual, I'm going to sign off.    Cheers, and good morning!