I like to party. And by party, I mean take naps.

I'm tired of negativity.  I'm tired of being covered in someone else's bad feelings about life and not feeling like I can share thoughts or ideas.  I feel smothered in crappy responses to normal day-to-day.  Giving everything and getting nothing buy open hands grasping, wanting more moremoremoremore.  Being blamed for shortcomings.  Always being at fault. Criticized. Flying by the seat of my pants all the time. 

I just want to stay at home today and cry this all away. Wash it away from me so I can wipe it out of my mind and just move forward.

Bees? BEES!!!!!

This morning was lots of fun.  My routine goes like this: wake up, make tea, vitamins, cereal. Consume said products. Do a little stretching (because exercise isn't possible. I'm simply too large) and then get everyone moving for the day.

Except, when I tried to get up, I found that I was having sciatic pain, the likes of which was making so that I could not move.  Not at all. 

I can't even describe this pain.  It was enough to make me burst into near-hysterical tears. I couldn't get up. I couldn't straighten my leg, stand on my leg, drag my leg behind me in a hobble. Nothing. It was awful. 

20 minutes of this later, I'm trying to push myself to start walking, thinking it will "de-kink" the nerve or something: No. I try to push my leg back, or straighten my back to improve my posture: No.   At this point, I was lucky enough to be near my phone, and my husband called.  Well, he called as I was bawling from the pain. I can only imagine the horror scene he thought was happening. 

He was able to come home and find me, hunkered over, tears dripping down my face, and unable to get anywhere but where I was at.  I felt so awful. 

To top it off; we had contractors scheduled to show up at 745 this morning to start installing a basement egress window for us, and make our downstairs bedroom a legal room.  This way when our little lady arrives, we're able to escape the house easily in an emergency. 

My darling husband massaged my back, and got me a bag of corn to sit on.  Somewhere in there, The Bear woke up, and though terrified that I was in so much pain, and crying my eyes out like a big wussy, he helped by hugging me, and petting my face, and telling me everything was going to be ok.

A call to our ask-a-nurse informed us that, as long as baby isn't coming, this isn't life threatening. No injury occurred to provoke this ridiculous, shitty pain.  This is just one of those joys of pregnancy.  It's the way she's sitting in my body, or how I've expanded as she's grown that's causing this awful, terrible, I-can't-move-it's-so-bad pain.

This kicker is that I felt so awful for needing my husband to come home to take care of me.  What a hot, awful, and absurd mess I am.  
 

Everything good

Today I exchanged a cup of coffee for a cup of tea.  On the end of the string of by bag, the tag reads "patience pays". 

Amid the hurrying to get one place, or another, and planning one thing or another, this helped me so tremendously today. 

I am grateful for subtle reminders.  I feel very lucky to have everything that I do. 

Really confusing

I'm deep in the middle of a "what the hell" moment, and this might very well be totally TMI for anyone reading, but since I'm going to throw my personal filter out the door here.....

My stress is positively through the roof at this particular intersection of time.  We've had some seriously challenging issues with the step-daughter than led her dad to kick her out of the house, and for her to get rolling down the same roller coaster path of her trying to leave the state (she's under 18) with people who don't know she's under 18.  Total chaos.

This is also the holiday season.  'Tis the season to be overly stressed out, I guess.  I've also been drinking a little more than I do normally, and probably not sleeping well.  Or at all.  This has always been an issue for me however; too many distractions to sleep.  If I give my body the leeway, it will sleep just fine, but I'm an asshole to myself and I decide to watch late-night movies and play solitaire, or knit. 

Also, also; marital strain.  Oy vey.  Those two words are rife with deeper implications.  I've written several-page blogs about them and saved them as drafts for fear of speaking aloud any of my woes. 

This would be the worst time possible to try to conceive a baby.  My body would be a terrible place to try to grow a person right now, which is comforting since we haven't discussed any baby-making in months.  Long months.  This doesn't mean I'm not staying up on tracking my cycles, ovulation and everything else that I'll need to keep track of to make sure that when (ahem *if) we get back to a good enough place to try to conceive, I won't have to work harder than I would anyway.  

This being said, I should be smack dab in the middle of ovulation.  But, surprise for me; I've started a little mini-period instead.  I literally had to look up if this was normal, and guess what causes outside of hormonal issues, PCOS and menopause cause irregular periods?  Stress.

As I've gotten older I've lost the ability to just shrug off problems like they're nothing.  Possibly because the repercussions for failing have such higher stakes than they ever have, and those consequences scare the shit out of me, to the point where I might be too freaked out to sleep well.  It's definitely happened before. 

I bulked up on more Holy Basil, and a friend made a recommendation for Tulsi tea with Gotu Kola, which was kind & appreciated.  I even emailed my doctor with a witty little "wth is going on with my uterus" message. 

So in short; I'm a varitable mess right now.   It's a really disconcerting situation to feel totally out of touch with what your body is doing, which is how I feel right now.  I'm usually very tuned into what is going on with myself, and it feels almost like a betrayal.  I realize that this is really stupid to say, because it's only a perception of my own emotions, and in fact, if anything is going to be considered a "betrayal", it ought to be ME to blame for being an insensitive shit-face and not taking more care of myself.  My body only reacts to what I'm doing, and going through; it's not on auto-pilot and decides randomly to crash itself for no goddamn reason. 

All of this being said;  I'm going to go make myself another cup of tea, and take another Holy Basil.  Later I'm going to take some time at lunch to go take myself for a walk, and get out of my tiny little work-box for a half hour, after that I'm going to take a run at the gym until I'm about to collapse. 

You'd think at 32 years old, and able to care aptly for my children and my family that I would be able to remember to take care of myself.  Apparently I forgot to write myself a note in my calendar, because I can't remember the last time I took any time for myself to do basically any kind of regular activity or effort that would be just for me. 

Time to set up the necessary changes, and make it happen.  Holding my breath isn't going to help.

A new direction

The subject of fertility is often one people get bored of hearing, or reading, so it's not something I am going to wear across my shoulders lightly.  I didn't conjure the idea of writing down our experiences without realizing that people might find it dull, and monotonous.  Realistically, this is my method of putting one piece of information in line, right after the other.  No expectations, and hopefully less horseshit.

Here's to hoping. 

I knew right from the start that the husband (at the time, he was just "the boyfriend") that we were going to need some proceedure in order to conceive.  Having been in an LTR of his own until November 2010 with a person he DIDN'T want to risk having a child with, he'd had a vasectomy in October 2010. 

So Fast forward until April 2011.  I'm in the middle of a break-up and move-out when I put myself "out there" on a whim.  Queue future-husband (insert trumpeting fanfare), and fast forward again after months of emails, phone calls and countless text messages.  November 2010 is when we had the conversation concerning his physical imparement, and my desire for more seedlings.  Thus, where our journey was borne. 

The following sping, April 2011, I had my IUD removed as it was no longer a needed form of BC, and we wanted my body to get into a place where if we wanted to start preparing to have a child together, the fields would be ready and I wouldn't have to deal with appointments and exams (more than you'd have normally, anyway).  I confess that, with the removal of my IUD, I was SURE that the universe would gracious and lovingly impart some kind of a miracle child in my body, and we could laugh for the rest of our lives that we'd be giggling over the 1/1,000 statistic about how we'd been able to beat the odds and hassles of the hurdles of non-traditional conception.    Har har.

So fast forward some more; July 2013.  Husband and I have jobs we can work for many, many years to come.  Stability, health insurance, retirement and the ability to cross one more important thing we need to cover off our list before really cruising down the baby track.  

The question has always lingered to my husband about where our baby will come from, and as our first option was always to explore a reconnection of his vasectomy.  This was something that proved MORE disconserting than you could possibly imagine.  Only 24 months after this was performed, a highly qualified local Urologist and his team deemed our case at only a 90% chance of success, depending on how motile and healthy husband's sperm were.  This leaves a grizzly 10% chance of failure for us to masticate upon.  On top of that, the surgery cost (without any "unexepected surprises") would start around $7,000.  Payment plans are not accepted, unless they're done in forward (money first, delivery of goods following payment).  No financing, and also no insurance coverage; this is an "elective proceedure".

Getting the vasectomy cost under $1,000.

So knowing that, if we had a surgery to reconnect the tubes and try for a natural child, we'd be looking at a heap of medical costs, an uncomfortably high percentage that it WOULDN'T be successfull (and unlike Wal-Mart, you can't get your money back when it doesn't work correctly!), and no way to pay in comfortable incriments. 

A visit to a busy OB in Loveland helped us to know what "extraction" could do for us!  Extraction involves a physical removal through the testicle wall via syringe and would allow sperm matter to be extracted and delivered into my uterus through a process of IUI, after a washing process.  The OB explained during this meeting that even after a few years of being pent up inside the testes, sperm lost a great deal of their swimming capabilities; in order to make an effective exchange, he wanted to deliver those lazy little tadpoles to one of my pre-retrieved eggs and, upon fertilization, send it back along the canal and into my womb. 

This, my friends, is what is refered to as IVF.  $12k-$20k per deposit.   Holy shitballs!!

All this, and every month my poor lonely uterus dumps another egg and weeps blood, and curses my name.  

This is how we came to the lovely land of "Donated Sperm"!   Ropey jets of flying tadpoles for anyone who wants to have a baby!  Yippie!   Of course, this also has it's cornucopia of pros and cons.  The read a lot like that contract that the children signed in the original make of Charlie and The Chocolate Factory.  If you don't remember that movie, you need to go watch it, and then come back and re-read that paragraph; I promise you won't regret it. 

So with this, we have a litany of flipping proceedures we're going to need to be put through: blood draws to confirm progesterone production (which signals that my body is in fact shooting out tiny little eggs), 2 to 3 boxes of ovulation predictors, and a calendar to write down every single stage of ovulation and menses. 

So, we are armed, organized, terrified, broke, and still crossing our fingers that for some reason, one of those damn testical tubes finds its way to reconnect itself from the urethra to the testicle and shoot some lazy, happy, bumbling little sperm so they can manage to clutz their way into some random egg my uterus left laying around the womb.

Recipe for fertility!

So on the very first steps (and I must emphasize first here) to preparing for pregnancy, I've been reaching out to the intarweb to collect information about preparing for pregnancy. Although Grey was a surprise, and I didn't prepare as I could have (and having additionally turned out just fine the way things happened), given the option I'd like to make some attempt at being my healthiest when we're ready for baby Thomas #2.

SO for my own edification (and so I don't have to keep bookmarking this site), here are a few herbs that have shown frequently as useful in preparation.  Those that are in blue are the ones I am actively in touch with and have placed in a tea that I drink daily.

Pregnancy Preparation

The main focus when choosing herbs for preconception is to nourish the body, detoxify for hormonal balance/optimal health, support uterine tone, build the blood, and support healthy stress response. Preconception herbs are best used at least 3-6 months prior to conception. Many of these herbs should not be used into pregnancy.
 

• Alfalfa aerial parts (Medicago sativa): Very nutritious, high in vitamins and minerals. Contains some phytoestrogens. Aids in protection against xenohormones. Aids in vaginal atrophy and dryness.


• Ashwagandha root (Withania somnifera): Supports overall endocrine system function for proper hormonal balance, immune system and stress response.


• Burdock root (Arctium lappa): Nourishing and cleansing for the liver, aiding in hormonal balance.


• Dandelion leaf (Taraxacum officinale): Nourishing. Used to increase nutrition, supportive of liver health, for hormonal balance.


• Dandelion root (Taraxacum officinale): Aids in liver health, stimulates digestion for improved hormonal balance.


• Dong Quai root (Angelica sinensis): Aids in hormonal balance. Used for congestive fertility states such as endometriosis, uterine fibroids, PCOS, ovarian cysts. Supports healthy circulation to the uterus, nourishing for the blood. Reduction in pain associated with reproductive organs. Strengthens the uterus by regulating hormonal control, improving uterine tone, and improving the timing of the menstrual cycle. In Asia dong quai is to women’s health as ginseng is to men’s health.


• Eleuthero root and stem bark (Eleutherococcus senticosus): Supports proper endocrine function through its adaptogenic properties. Supports overall hormonal balance, excellent for stress support.


• Evening Primrose Oil cold pressed from seed (Oenothera biennis): Supports overall hormonal balance and cervical mucous production through its high content of the omega-6 essential fatty acids (EFA’s), Linoleic Acid (LA) and Gamma Linolenic Acid (GLA). LA is needed for prostaglandin E and GLA is needed for the synthesis of prostaglandin E. One of the many functions of Prostaglandins is to help control regulation of hormones as well as control proper cell growth. This is because of its high content of the omega-6 essential fatty acids (EFA’s), Linoleic Acid (LA) and Gamma Linolenic Acid (GLA).


• Hibiscus flower petals (Hibiscus sabdariffa): Very high in vitamin C, may support healthy cervical mucous. Vit. C is essential for proper absorption of iron. Best combined with herbs high in iron, Raspberry lf., Yellow dock, Nettles. Supports proper heart health and blood pressure.


• Lemon Balm leaf (Melissa officinalis): Excellent nervous system support. Supports healthy stress response, lessens depression and anxiety. Good emotional health, and stress response is important prior to conception. Not for use for people with hypothyroidism.


• Maca root (Lepidium meyenii): Maca is a nourishing food for the endocrine system, aiding both the pituitary, adrenal, and thyroid glands (all involved in hormonal balance.) Supports overall hormonal balance, works to balance estrogen/progesterone levels.  Maca is the only plant known in the world that can grow and thrive at such a high altitude and in such harsh weather. For more than two millennia, native Peruvians have used maca root as food and medicine to promote fertility, endurance, energy, vitality, and sexual virility.


• Milk Thistle seed (Silybum marianum): Supports hormonal balance. It is one of the best plants for liver health. Liver health is vital for hormonal balance. The liver helps to filter toxins from the body, including excess hormones. 


• Nettles leaf, root, seed (Urtica dioica): Nutritive; high mineral, vitamin and chlorophyll content. Supportive of gentle cleansing of the liver, lungs, intestines and kidneys. Great adrenal support. Supports proper blood formation through its high iron content.


• Oatstraw (stems), Milky Oats (tops) exert a stronger effect than oatstraw, (Avena sativa): Nourishing, aids in stress reduction by supporting nervous system. Great support for stress related fertility issues.


• Red Clover leaves, blossoms (Trifolium pratense): Red Clover is a nourishing food herb. It is rich in a variety of vitamins and minerals. It is one of the best blood purifying herbs, aiding in detoxification of environmental pollutants prior to conception. Phytoestrogenic, may help protect body from xenohormones. May increase cervical mucous. 


• Red Raspberry leaf (Rubus idaeus): Nutritive, high in vitamins and minerals. It is a uterine tonic, preparing the uterus for pregnancy and labor. 


• Schisandra, fruit and seed (Schisandra chinensis): Adaptogen, supports healthy hormonal balance through endocrine system support. Promotes proper immune and stress response.


• Seaweed (variety of species): Extremely high in vitamins and minerals, including iodine, which is necessary for proper thyroid function. High in fiber for improved estrogen metabolism. Learn more here…


• Yellow dock root (Rumex crispus): Stimulates bile production for healthy removal of toxins, supportive of liver health and is high in iron, which may help support adequate iron levels which is essential for proper blood formation.

What the most amazing thing here is that several of these were already hanging around my tea cabinet. The Yellow Dock was harvested from a farm wherein the farmer just shrugged and said "take it, I have no use for it".  It was dried and stored until now. 

The lemon balm was something that came with our home last year (which I believe is a sign!), however at the time I didn't realize what it was and took the larger plant we had growing and tossed it out when I re-did the beds.  Luck for me, this stuff is like Creeping Jennie and it's already shown itself in no less than 8 other places around the yard; so I KNOW it will come back.  I've already been able to collect about a dozen leaves to begin a small stock.

At the Spring Creek Park, Alfalfa grows completely wild and unmanaged.  As it's open space, I'm finding myself to be wary about collecting any of it, not knowing any of the practices used in the area for insect management or plant disease and treatment.  I haven't decided if I will be using this plant from this source.

Dandelion leaf.  This shit is growing so far up my bandwagon, I could just farm it for a living.  My first payload was collected last night and following a thorough washing, it's already laid out for drying to be added to my tea.