Recurrence

In my first trimester, I was stunned by the onslaught of highly vivid dreams I ended up having. Very detailed and memorable, and very much like I wasn't sleeping. Rather living an entirely separate life when I should have been asleep.  The amount of information to take in was rather exhausting, and I'd awake tired, rather than rested.

My second and third trimester have proved much less active in this same regard, overall.  But in more recent nights, I've been having the same dream repeatedly.  Different participants, but the same concept.  My husband cheats on me. When I find out and confront him, he doesn't even care to hide it. He doesn't care at all.  I rant and rave, and threaten....  And yet he doesn't care.  He's un-phased.

I feel so sad and lonely in these dreams. Like I've been cast aside, and am no longer loved.  It's crushing.  So far, I've woken up from all three of these dreams to tears in the twilight hours of the morning.  Most have lasted a far reach into the regular day.  They've left me with a dark feeling around my shoulders that has lingered more than I felt it was welcomed to.

A normal human being would turn to their husband and ask for comfort and physical contact as reassurance.  I only bury my head and mention nothing.  An introspect into my psyche tells me that, on some level, I feel that these dreams are a reflection of the lack of involvement my husband has with me at this point in our marriage.  The eternal struggle of spouses who are raising small children; the dissipation of the connection of love and companionship. 

I am unsure if this is because somewhere buried deep, we don't want to work on the relationship we have, or that he's genuinely oblivious to the fact that we haven't worked on our relationship in a very, very long time.

In tumultuous times of our previous married years, we came up with ways to better communicate with each other. Suggestions for ourselves to be better at what we were doing badly.  We'd write lists. Notes. Charts. Letters.  And, thinking we had the problem licked just by talking about it, we simply never used any of the tools we came up with.  At one point we even saw a couples therapist, and spent time doing worksheets at home to discuss with each other and come up with ways to work on the overcoming these problems.  Needless to say, I filled out my portions, and he did not.  He just never went back to the therapist.  Out of shame and defeat, I didn't go back after that either.

Once it was evident that any work I was ever going to try to do in my marriage would not be met halfway, I think I gave up permanently. I've never tried that hard again, I've just let things that are wrong remain wrong and practice unhealthy tactics to deal with them. Like nagging, bullying, name-calling.  All the things I never thought I'd use against someone I "loved". 

I used to be very sure that I loved my husband, too.  But because I know that I am the only one who wanted to put in the work, that I am ultimately alone with a person who would never work as hard as I would to build a stronger relationship, I don't think I'll ever do it again.

I wish these were feelings that didn't bother me as much as they did. I guess in a way it's better that they do, because it means I care enough for them too.  How do I differentiate between feeling terrible that my spouse doesn't love me enough to move mountains for me, and just being on the shit end of the stick?  Does this mean we are only maintaining the farce that we love each other, and that all true vestiges of it are really gone? Are we just going through the motions?

Is this really what I'm thinking, or have I gone completely batshit insane, and I have no idea it's happened. Like in memento where the guy has no concept that it's just him running around insane in his own head.  That's another highly likely scenario for me at this point in life (and pregnancy). 

I'm such a mess.  I feel so lonely. 

30 Things To Help me Percolate!

1. Read More – Intelligence begins with reading. The more you will read, the more you will absorb and therefore the more intelligent you will get. 
2. Set Goals – Goals create structure in life and only through proper structure can you increase intelligence.
3. Meditate – When you meditate you calm your brain. This peace and tranquility is crucial in building intellect.
4. Make Notes – The body remembers by doing. So by making notes on everything you do, you will increase memory and intellect.
5. Play Sudoku – Playing Sudoku challenges your brain and helps you think logically. It is a brain game and according to the American Alzheimer’s Association and it might help reduce the risk of Alzheimer’s disease.
6. Stay Hydrated – Our brains depend on proper hydration to function properly. Brain cells require a delicate balance between water and other elements to operate at max efficiency.So try to keep you brain replenished and drink the medically recommended amount of water every day.
7. Minimize "Bad" Television – Watching TV nowadays with all of its reality shows or just simply watching re-runs is one of the worst things you can do for your intelligence. While it can be relaxing you don`t stimulate your thinking. Try tuning into a documentary or the news every now and then.    
8. Exercise – Exercise keeps your body fine-tuned and energetic; it is a great way to increase your productivity and intelligence.
9. Mentally Simplify - Intelligence is the ability to acquire and apply knowledge or skill. So try un-clutter your thoughts and process information one piece at a time. You will find that you will not just be more productive but your mental capacity will increase. 
10. Have a Good Breakfast – You can’t drive a car without fuel. Once you wake up and your tank is empty, eat a hearty breakfast to get yourself going again. Eating a healthy breakfast is directly linked to higher mental performance.
11. Eat Yogurt and other “bacteria” – Certain bacteria have been scientifically linked to brain power. So it’s possible that by simply eating yogurt you can promote the growth of neurons.
12. Get Enough Rest – Imagine your brain like a smartphone. No matter how efficient and wonderful it is, it eventually needs to recharge and shut down. A good night's rest will do wonders in making you smarter.  
13. Do Math Questions – The only reason people don’t like math is because it requires them to use their brains. By doing math you exercise your brain and just like a muscle, through exercise it gets stronger and quicker.
14. Make Connections – Don’t wait for ideas to become clear. Always be on the edge and make connections between things.
15. Breathe – Oxygen is crucial to the brain and it can’t survive very long deprived of it. You should practice good breathing techniques and give your brain as much as oxygen as it needs. "You don't need to know all the answers. No one is smart enough to ask you all the questions". - Unknown
16. Do Crosswords – Crosswords are very effective in making your brain work and exercise.
17. Take Breaks – Your brain is just a muscle and overworking it will only cause problems. Take periodic breaks to keep your brain fresh and productive. And never forget to sleep. 
18. Refine Your Thinking - Don’t just think but think about how you are thinking when you think. It’s a quite a handful of words, but it works. If you plan out your thinking process you will think more productively.
19. Eat Brain Food – There are many foods which have been associated with brain health, including dark green vegetables, fish oil and nuts. Try to incorporate as much as brain food into your diet.
20. Draw Diagrams and Charts –Try to organize your thoughts using diagrams and charts whenever possible. This reorganization is very helpful in increasing intellect.
21. Quiz Yourself – To become more intelligent try to always challenge yourself and push your brain to the limits. So if this simply means that by using your opposite hand you are challenging yourself; do it.  
22. Keep Your Brain Working – Your brain should never stop working unless you are sleeping or taking periodic breaks as mentioned above. Keep your brain active, and clicking on all cylinders.
23. Get a Rubik’s Cube - A Rubik’s cube is a great way to exercise your brain and build intelligence.
24. Don’t take in too much Sugar – Too much sugar gives your brain short term jolt, but after the sugar rush is over the sugar crash is just not worth it.
25. Learn to Play an Instrument – Playing an instrument is a great way to increase your intellect. The reasoning behind it is that you’re triple tasking: listening, reading and playing the instrument.
26. Work on Vocabulary – If you know more words you will be able to not just acquire more information but will be able to apply it more effectively as well.
27. Eat throughout the Day – Your brain needs fuel to function. Try to avoid being hungry and keep yourself well fed.
28. Focus – Intelligence is largely based on how much you can focus at one time. Practice focusing on tasks and avoid distractions.
29. Listen to Classical Music – According to the “Mozart Effect” by listening to classical music an improvement in productivity is induced.
30. Don’t Give Up – Anybody can become smarter and improve their intellect so never give up and keep trying.

Today I will capture a few of these tips by signing up for a daily vocabulary word (via email).  I will do 5 to 6 rounds of stairs.  I will drink plenty of water.  I will forgo sugar.  I might play a round or two of sudoku even.  :)