Last night while I was drifting off to sleep, my mind was marinated with a conversation I'd had with my mother about happiness, about protecting my child, and what challenges we were going through in our home during these times.
I am marinating presently on what it really means to be able to let it all go, and go without resentment and fear. To make changes in my life which are absolutely terrifying and life-altering, while being able to take actual breaths while I'm doing it.
I'm a little scared right now. To return to the fray was not what I'd thought would happen, but in my heart I realize that it's the only way I'm going to make it out of this ocean of poison. I've worked so very hard for change, and not seen any fruit borne out of those labors. How much longer I'll have to continue to labor is a question I already have an idea how to answer; indefinitely.
The dreams I've made for myself will have to be put on hold; I know that now. I accept that I can wait, even though it's tremendously dissapointing. I am willing to have this happen, because I will be moving forward.
Forward, forward, always onward.
The breaths I take are not just to feel the healing begin in me, they're to remember that this is all just a passing phase, and it will all be over soon, and that I'll be able to find my laughter and smiles when it's all over.
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In living the best ways we can, it's hard to forget to look around and try to see where we are. It's even harder to admit when we stepped in dog shit along the way. ... And if you can't laugh at yourself; then I sure as hell can't help you.
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